Journal

One part of my fear is "getting it wrong and going to hell". The flip side of this fear is being lied to about spiritual things.

I fear that I've become so paranoid that I don't trust anyone about anything. Is everyone lying to me?

In the past couple of weeks I've heard two criticisms of my church, and because of my background--where secrets WERE kept and lies WERE told--I've wondered if the criticism might be true, and what else they might be hiding (when I have no proof that they're hiding anything.)
I should read the Bible to find out what's right, but how can I when it's been so misused? I've read the Bible most of my life, but it still took other people to show me certain things I needed to so and what certain passages meant. And some of those people were the ones who lied (or at least repeated lies in good faith without realizing they were lies).

I'm also rather tired this morning. I was able to go back to bed after Matthew went to school because I don't have class today. I'm also fed up with autism. I started reading another book about autism (the story of a family with triplets that have autism) and I couldn't finish it. I'm burned out on autism, I'm burned out on school, but I can't quit because we'll have to pay back student loans and if I don't get a job, there's no way we can pay them back. This also affects my thinking and drags me down.

I'm sure people want to help, but I'm not even sure what to tell them that I need.

Since my husband is back at work after a week's vacation, and my son doesn't start school until next week, and since we don't have child care available (and we've spent a small fortune this summer on child care!) I'm taking this week off of school to watch DS.

I'm using the time to practice, catch up on laundry, and be techy--I'm converting a tape to CD as I write this.  It's one of my practice tapes from school; eventually I want to put it on my iPod so I can take it with me a practice.

someone gets in my face and disagrees with me strongly?

I had a "back and forth" with someone on Facebook and I shouldn't let it get to me, but I do.  I don't feel like I can argue with anyone because I can't pull out the facts that I need when I need them.  I feel too threatened when someone says, "You're wrong," because I don't feel as if I can appropriately defend myself--and even if I do, more often than not no one seems willing to say that at least I have a point, even if they don't agree with me. 

I always seem to be on the losing end of so many arguments.  And I have been told that I don't have the gift of debate.  That's why--it's because I feel this sense of threat.  I'm afraid of no one listening and I'm afraid of making a fool out of myself if I try to explain/defend myself--and if I say nothing, I end up *feeling* like a fool. 

I hate this.

I still resent having been told that I didn't care about Matthew because of my politics, and that I wanted benefits for me but didn't want anyone else to have them.  The person that told me that didn't listen when I said that that wasn't true.  She commented that I had complained "bitterly" about my problems with Medicaid, yet on the other hand, I'd said that I didn't think government ought to be in the business of providing health care.  (The system is broken.  I just have no decent suggestions on how to fix it.) 

I want to be able to disagree with someone without feeling such a sense of threat!!!