MollM's Journal

I'm up here in Saratoga Springs this weekend doing another art show.

Last weekend I was in Great Barrington and it was Hot.  The show was

indoors....perfect weather outdoors.   This weekend I'm outdoors and

today we had a horrendous downpour and thunder so I'm hoping that

tomorrow is not going to be a washout.

I started reading from Abandonment to Healing and practicing being in

the moment, which is hard.   I have felt less anxious this week, which is

a relief.  Its interesting to read what she is saying about an ending and

a beginning and describes all the 5 steps you go thru.   It made me feel

better to read it as I felt at the time like I was going insane the pain was so

great.   Its true that you do reach a point where your friends think you should

be over it now and whats wrong with you so you start to internalize, I can feel

that's happening.  I do feel like I have grown and have to move outside of

my comfort zone a lot.   I can feel the strong desire to retreat to that

"safe space" and just veg out.   I'm such a homebody and don't have a strong

desire to socialize in certain ways.   I've joined a women entrepenuer meet

up group and Law of Attraction group.   We shall see.   Sometimes all the

effort is just tiring.  I've sort of reached that point in my life where I just want

to relax, take things easier, go for long walks garden, hang out with my

non-human friends. 

I have had no contact with ex in weeks, no reason to anymore

now that all the taxes are filed.   I think for me its better that way.

I still get huge waves of sadness wash over me and can't believe that

this person I thought I knew so well could end our marriage in such a

painful way, lying, locking himself in his studio while he carried on a

Skype (camera phone) relationship with OW, sneaking off to meet up with her.  

 Its still  unbelievable to me that he behaved in that way has left me wondering

 who can I trust.   I remember when he came back to pack his stuff

he kept saying "she does not like me being here with you but she trusts

me".  He must have said "she trusts me" about a dozen times, which I

thought was kind of a joke as the whole relationship was started on

cheating and lying.    Oops, I guess I slipped out of the present moment.

Best not to start dwelling on that.   I do keep seeing friends at these

various shows I go to who don't know we are divorced and ask about

him and I always end up feeling awful, sometimes I just say "oh, he's fine".

which I'm sure he probably is.