MollM's Journal

Yesterday was a good day.   A friend called and said hey another friend

and I are getting together for a girls day are you free.  I hesitated as I

have so much work to do then I thought "well I could spend another day

alone working, like everyday or I could make a change" so I went.   I enjoyed

spending time with my friends, hiking and having lunch, it was a happy

day, I was able to put aside my worries after initially crying in the car on

the way there.  My friend was very supportive.

For me I just keep beating myself up that I allowed myself to be bullyed

and rushed thru the divorce .   That I did not stand my ground I just 

caved in like I always did.  It was a tough situation as there was no money

it was all coming from his mother, as ex had taken out a huge equity loan

on our house to invest in a property in Florida.  I should have said no to that as

we had no mortgage but I knew I would get worked over so I agreed to

it.   The manager of the whole deal turned out to be a con man and

basically embezzeled all the money and we were left with this huge

interest only mortgage.   His mother gave him money every month

thereafter to pay the mortgage so the situation at the time of the

divorce was precarious and all coming from his family.   I knew he could

get nasty and make it appear like he had no money so I just agreed

the a paydown of the huge mortgage.   At the time I was relieved but

as time has passed I just keep going over and over it.   Now I'm stronger

than I was then and would not cave in I don't think but that was my

pattern, to be the pathetic puppy dog you could kick under the table

and say, "oh, she'll be fine, she's strong" and  keep coming back for

more.    I can't believe how I allowed myself to be so controlled and

emotionally abused so many times.  So, now I just have to stop beating

myself up and living in the past.   Not an easy task as thats a strong

pattern too for me.    All the should haves.     I know there is a much

stronger, confident person in there, I just have to let her out and not

hide, or be fearful and anxious.