Journal

I'm up here in Saratoga Springs this weekend doing another art show.

Last weekend I was in Great Barrington and it was Hot.  The show was

indoors....perfect weather outdoors.   This weekend I'm outdoors and

today we had a horrendous downpour and thunder so I'm hoping that

tomorrow is not going to be a washout.

I started reading from Abandonment to Healing and practicing being in

the moment, which is hard.   I have felt less anxious this week, which is

a relief.  Its interesting to read what she is saying about an ending and

a beginning and describes all the 5 steps you go thru.   It made me feel

better to read it as I felt at the time like I was going insane the pain was so

great.   Its true that you do reach a point where your friends think you should

be over it now and whats wrong with you so you start to internalize, I can feel

that's happening.  I do feel like I have grown and have to move outside of

my comfort zone a lot.   I can feel the strong desire to retreat to that

"safe space" and just veg out.   I'm such a homebody and don't have a strong

desire to socialize in certain ways.   I've joined a women entrepenuer meet

up group and Law of Attraction group.   We shall see.   Sometimes all the

effort is just tiring.  I've sort of reached that point in my life where I just want

to relax, take things easier, go for long walks garden, hang out with my

non-human friends. 

I have had no contact with ex in weeks, no reason to anymore

now that all the taxes are filed.   I think for me its better that way.

I still get huge waves of sadness wash over me and can't believe that

this person I thought I knew so well could end our marriage in such a

painful way, lying, locking himself in his studio while he carried on a

Skype (camera phone) relationship with OW, sneaking off to meet up with her.  

 Its still  unbelievable to me that he behaved in that way has left me wondering

 who can I trust.   I remember when he came back to pack his stuff

he kept saying "she does not like me being here with you but she trusts

me".  He must have said "she trusts me" about a dozen times, which I

thought was kind of a joke as the whole relationship was started on

cheating and lying.    Oops, I guess I slipped out of the present moment.

Best not to start dwelling on that.   I do keep seeing friends at these

various shows I go to who don't know we are divorced and ask about

him and I always end up feeling awful, sometimes I just say "oh, he's fine".

which I'm sure he probably is. 

It was a good and hard weekend.  I stayed with friend durning the show.

The husband was/is actually ex's friend, he is a musician and they recorded

together and have known each other for years.  He had lots of questions about

ex, where is he, what's he doing so I had to say,  "we are not friends, I don't

hate him?? but we don't chat".  He nodded and said, of course, I understand.

I can tell that people expect me to be fine now so I'm careful what I say as I

can feel the judgements, "oh, she's jaded, scorned can't let go".  Perhaps that's

my paranoi but I don't  think so.  She compared it to her 10 year marriage ending

 when she was in her 30's and I don't think its the same issues.   I'm trying to

move forward, be more social, which is hard.  The show was not very lucrative

for me, I made my expenses.

  I had a really graphic dream while there that

I was in the living room at home and water was coming thru the ceiling, I ran upstairs

to the room that's below the roof that I am renting out, I found it hard to

get upstairs as there were so many boxes, I got to the door which was closed

and made of a heavy metal and I kept attempting to knock but no sound came out 

I started to feel panicky that it could not be heard.   This woman appeared whom

I know thru my church, I don't really know her and she put her arm around

me and said "you know, it's not really the roof your worried about don't you".

Then I woke up.   Strange.

I ordered a couple of the self help books and am awaiting their arrival.  The friends

wife does tarot card reading for a living and she did a reading.  I'm not really

sure about tarot but I thought what the heck.   It indicated that things would

get calmer over the next couple of months.   That I had a good understanding

of finances and there were opportunities out there to stabilize this area I had

to ask for help.  It all indicated steps moving forward and becoming more confidant and stronger.   That I would not be moving in the near future.   I also drew

a card that showed a maiden with a large lion lying at her feet, which indicated

that I would find a faithful partner in the future. ........who knows, all sounds

good though. 

Packing & getting ready for a three day show in the Berkshires.   It will be good

as I am staying with friends during the show.

Had a session with the therapist yesterday.  I went in feeling so hopeless

so it was good to talk she points out my wrong thinking and listening

too much to the voices in my head.   Her take is that I show all the signs

of abuse (not physical) by my way of thinking a responding. 

It seems that the sense of hopelessness is what I battle with daily.   I don't

think so much about ex anymore but I can't see or feel any bright future yet.

It helps to talk to a friend daily, just to make a connection.  I keep busy and

am planning changes for my business so its all good.   I seem to always

have this empty, lonely feeling that does not leave.   Hopefully that will

change with time.   Perhaps I should read some of the books recommended.