Journal

so I'm in a great mood now rofl. and I really do still care about jen... I don't think I'll ever stop... but I've been trying to maybe definitely make sure theres some sort of possibility that we could ever be, but i'll get to that later.

today there was this pep rally at my school... yeah only like 50 people went lol. tons of people went to BK... okay not THAT many but like it was me, jen, nicole, these two other girls and we were all walking to burger king because we were allowed to leave school at like 1 when the pep rally started. so we get there and jen sees some of her friends... my two friends chauntel and preston (MAJORLY CREEPY DUDE WHO LIKE STALKS ME AND TRIES TO GET WITH ME) were there but like separately. I think preston went because i had told him earlier that i was going there. (shoot me lol) and they were with there friends and i saw this guy i've always had a little crush on (i can't tell whether i'm bi and kinda like him or if im gay and just want to be friends with him cuz he seems cool even though hes a smartass lol) and he was with his friends but we don't talk it was just weird to see him there. later my friend aimee and hollie along with aimees bf and this other girl came too. so like part of the walk there i got to talk to jen so i was happy because i normally can't find anything to talk to her about. then after we went to dunkin donuts (which a lot of people went to also after BK) and then to the SPCA where jen saw this really cute kitten she wanted and i really wanted to get it for her but i couldn't lol. then the two other girls left and me and nicole and jen walked back to dunkin donuts where we talked more and then to one of the girls house and again me and jen talked about. and i dunno it was just... a really good time. like it showed we actually could talk to each other if i could be more comfortable around her. lol its really funny/cute tho when theres an awkward silence jen just is like..........aaaaiiiireeeeaahnuhhhh and i'd just be like. O_O yo. lol and i dunno it just made me really happy. and I reconfirmed that she doesn't like some kid and that she isn't trying to play this 12 grader whose a j/a. that was another girl. so that was good. and the kid i thought she might like.... WELL SHE DOESN'T! she thinks hes creepy lol. and i helped to reinforce that by telling her about his awkwardly always clammy hands. not trying to be mean. but like really they wouldn't be good together the kid is really nice and cool and all but shes too beautiful for him. even for me too but ... idc lol. 

also... i just find it kind of weird how me and jen go through a lot of the same relationship stuff.... like we both went out with a dude for a week and made out with the dude and everything but only for a week and then now we both have nice guys tryna get with us that we don't want to be with... its just weird lol. maybe shes bi? she ALWAYS jokes about being married or together with her girl friends and idk she takes it a bit too far for not having a bf and never really having a really good bf. plus we both addressed the fact that i have the mind of a dude... tried to get her to see i'm like a dude without a penis because i dress like... kinda like a hipster guy would dress... button down shirts with cardigans plain Ts with skinny jeans V necks... nike SBs... beanies/skullies... yeah you get the point. she agreed... just not about the me dressing like a dude part, two girls have done that to me so far (telling me i don't dress like a dude, i kno its to be nice but i really do) thats why i ask nicoles opinion on stuff. i get pissed at how close minded she can be sometimes but thats good for clothes because she can tell me striaghtup that i do dress like a dude. which is okay for me to hear, idc i like it... i'm not a girly girl. jen is. which is partially why i like her. but dude chill. she had the most revealing shirt on ever today and like at bk we were all wet from the rain and the tie on her shirt (imagine kinda like a pirate puffy shirt with like a brown vest on top kinda hippie-ish looking really girly... really pretty... =)) undid itsself and like i almost stared at her cleavage before i realized oh shit. i'm not supposed to do that. like i've never been like this before but not only is she pretty and hot and has the best personality in the world (aka shes perfect) but she has nice breasts... which is just like. a plus. because if she was flat chested i think of her a dude kinda..... which would be bad.

ugh i even had a dream the other night where i was like being a player and held hands with this one girl that sits at my lunch table (shes nice... not really pretty... disgusting compared to jen, then again everyone is ugly when it comes to jen) and like her hand turned into a dudes hand and i was lik ew wth. and so yeah i think that was a way of my mind telling me that i need to stop thinking about crushes and think just about jen.

AH this is so long. but i have one last thing to add that i just found out, i got a 20/30 on notes for a book that took me like over 5 hours to do. they were over 5 pages long and most other peoples was like 2-3 pages. wtf. but after the fall break i'm really gonna focus more on school and less on tv and facebook. i've found that not being on the computer makes me 1000 times less likely to be depressed. but facebook is one of the only ways i talk to jen. BUT i should get away from that... i have to start talking to her in person! kay this is long. i'm gonna go blog and edit pics to post em to deviant art and look book and facebook =)