Journal

hopfully its going to go good. i really want a job. its that night but what the hell. i've done it before no big deal. but my sister isn't so happy or at least it doesn't seem like it. i don't need anyone to jump up and down for me, thats my job, haha haha. but at least a "thats cool", or "good luck" would be nice. i don't know, maybe it wont work out, but i wont know until i try. i watch her kids and they are out of school for the summer, so she really wants someone here. i understand, but her oldest is 13 now, i remember being 13, i was watching kids and didn't really acted like him. he picks on his 7 year old brother all the time. but i guess thats boys for you. maybe i should be here, but she did tell me to got a job when we talked about it, not in a bad was, not rude, i just told her that since i was living with her that i could get a job to help her. her ex-husbend is being a dick. but, so, she said ya, and i was thinking of jobs for night, like a night auditor at hotels, i've done that. but she say maybe waitress, but that would kinda suck, i would be on my feet and i have a slite back problem, i mean if that was all i took got, then ya, but i got a call for a part-time hotel auditor. i think it's great, its quite and i'll know what to do. i'm going to go for it! i love my sister, we really havn't been that close in the last 4years, but now we are living together. we are alittle different, she is a strong women with two great boys and i just really want to help. maybe it will make her work less and be home more with her sons. she kinda works to much and says that she loves her work and that it's like a home to her. but her home should be home. hopfully i will land this job and i too will change alittle more, maybe my progress with finding a partner, boyfriend and friends will improve.

 i just moved to my older sisters in newport beach, and we have gone out twice and i have gone out one other time with a guy i met out with her. what i really don't get is why people act the way they act. maybe i just need to relax and let go, but i know i wont because to me that is kinda of being lose. i need to take a very deep breath, i really don't like having to point out the common sense in situations. no one really listens anyway because i am not experienced with people. i don't know, i'm frustrated, it gets me down, but i have to pick myself back up, no matter what or i will start having depressing thoughts. its really really rediculous, but i do deal with thoughts of suicide and i hate it, it hasn't been that bad since just about a year ago, before it would be everyday, multiple time; but in the last month its only been every other day or every two days. its not that bad since i've dealt with it since i was 15, its just another thing in my head. i really want to be positive person and have been and that is going really good i have a great self-esteem, i know who i am, i just want someone else to see that and love me for it. i know nothing will happen over night, its a thing in progress and i am a patient person, its just i think that everyone around me thinks its a joke.