Journal

for the most part it was a very good day. I ran 2 miles did yoga, texted my sister, made lasagna, cleaned house even though it took awhile. I didn't get everything on my list done, but I still have time and I'm not worried about it. I know it may not seem like a lazy Saturday, but is.

Spent time on this site to. I like to add to the posts, I feel I can be very honest here with people and myself. I may not communicate it in writing very well, that's always been hard for me, but I know it has helped me so much. I hope I never hurt anyone's feelings, that is never my intention and I may give the wrong advice and to much, but its from the heart.

I spoke to my mom today. Wow she was on her ranting pity party. I just listened, and thought I will never sound like her again in my life and her feelings are not mine and I'm not responsible for them. I was exhausted talking to her, but knowing I know that I was so self-centered and negative, manic, depressed, drinking, blaming, regrets, jealous, for many many years and now I'm getting my life together and understand for every action there is a reaction and that is fine, its what life is about. I like living in for today, not assuming the world is after me. I don't say anymore, I just do. No more exhaustion just new energy for myself and my family.

Day by day, hour by hour minute by minute my life is what  I want to make of it.

Thank you to everyone that has replyed to my posts and sent messages. I know that I'm feeling better and recovering. I also know that I have a long road ahead of me. I have to get past the mistakes I have made and set bounderies for myself, which is very scary, since I learned when I was little that if I kept my mouth shut and did what others told me to I wouldn't be punished or yelled at. I was rewarded. Thanks Mom. Plus having bp and drinking  for so long, I feel that what is going on now with my husband I deserve. Thats Karma. I know its not true, I don't need to be punished its not about punishement its about communication, trust, proving to yourself and others this is the change you are making, and learning to set your boundries not only for yourself but for those close to you. This is what is frustrating for me because if I set up boundries I may lose people and then what do I do? My " bounderie " before was "I don't like your behavior, I'm leaving and would leave". No or that hurts me are not things I say. Which is so wrong on my part, but something I really need to work on and need support for. I will see if there is a support group for people like me who need the tools to communicate.

Since my husband hates this web site even though it has helped me so much and with whats going on at this step I only visit when he is not here or on my phone. He thinks its some sort of dating site. He would see the emails of support I would get and that throw him. One of his excuses for watching porn is "its not real, its not like I'm writing to people about my feelings". I know most people think I should leave him but at this time I love him and don't want to. I'm to fragile at this time to soon into recovery and learning that I have real feelings I have to learn to deal with. It may not make sense at this time for some, but right now its frustrating but best for me. I will keep writing and reading your reply's on line and go day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute.