Journal

In typical depressive identity thinking:  I wake up and think, “What is going to go wrong today?”  Because of my perfectionism, things always do go wrong.  It is hopeless to think that things will go smoothly and that reality will be exactly how I want it to be.  So, the perfectionism is a root cause of the depression.  For so many years, living in hopeless pursuit of perfection, I have unconsciously conditioned an already depression-primed mind to be even more hopeless and insatiable.  Dukkha, complete dukkha.  Non-acceptance of reality (what is) directly affects my amount of emotional suffering.  The intensity of the suffering, from annoyance and unease, to clinical depression, all the way to self-mutilation and suicidal behavior, is directly related to how much I resist and try to fight whatever current reality I’m experiencing.  Thinking that I can think myself out of a situation that thinking got me into in the first place is well, sort of crazy.