konfusion's Journal

Zane was my everything. At the time, when my parents were obessing over my brothers and newly born sister i felt he was the only one there for for me.

It started out with little things. He had taken me to a dirty apartment, telling me that i was just doing him a little favor.

Zane took me to a room and said to do whatever the person in there told me to do. I was confused. Why? He told me he needed something from the man and didnt have the money to get it. So instead of money the man would get me for an hour or so. I asked Zane what he needed. He told me it was his medicine. I was convinced it was for a good cause so i went in, expecting him to make me clean or cook or something stupid like that.

It wasn't like that.

The man... he told me to call him Carl... he was older then Zane, at least in his twenties, he forced me to..     

FUCK IT

I'm gonna finish this.. I need to.

I had never heard of the words he threw at me. At least not in the same circumstances I was in then. I lost my virginity to that man. It was gross. Painful.  I had cried... Sometime I hadn't let myself do since I was a toddler. And as I sat there, huddled on the floor... fucking naked... Zane walked in. I thought he was going to save me. I thought he was going to make things BETTER. They talked for a brief moment, Carl gave him a brown paper bag. I could see it in Zane's eyes, something I had never seen in it before. Greed.  Need. For whatever was inside the bag. He glanced over at me, taking in my blood shot eyes and bruised skin. I can remember what he fucking said to this day.

"Can I get more if I let you keep her a few more hours?"

My world came crashing down. He was supposed to protect me. He was supposed to care. I blacked out after that. I remember red sharp pain. And a sence of hopelessness. I felt dead. Like nothing else mattered anymore. From that day on, Zane took me back to Carl. And I didn't say a word. I just let it happen. Like I deserved it.

I figured out later on that what I had done was in exchange fore drugs. Heroine.... He exchaned my sanity for fucking drugs.

Whatever. I'm over him. I'm over that. I WILL SURVIVE DAMN IT.