konfusion's Journal

I don't understand how I let it happen. I mean, I'm a good kid at heart really and my parents are together and... I have no excuse. Yet I'm tearing my mother apart at the seams. I've sent my entire family scrambling to fit my 'needs' because I had a mental breakdown. I don't remember much of it. Only running. And running. I remember the tears running down my face and my sides burning like hell. Finally i stop in a cornfield. I don't know where I am or how I got there. So I grab my cell phone and make my mom pick me up. That's when I notice the blood soaking up my sleeves. I roll them up to find deep gashes torn into my skin with a razor. Though I don't remember doing them I know I had. My mother, fucking bless her, she takes me to a behavioral ward and is crushed to find out that they want to keep me as an impatient. There I learn words like SIRS, triggers and coping skills. I meet people who are like me in so many ways that I start feeling terrible for liking it there. My mood swings were accepted and it seemed that the more fucked up I was the more accepting they became. I learned things though. I learned more than new terms. I learned conditions... Like severve depression... and rape. I couldn't fucking take it anymore. I needed to get out, away from the problems that they wanted me to face. I ran back into the arms of my still reeling family, still an emotional wreak. I get a tharapist and learn more about myself. Panic attacks... anxiety.... Everything. Sure I cut myself to stay alive but I figured everyone had their own cross to bear. I don't know why. And though I am trying to tell myself it's not my fault my mother is still pressing me for details. She doesn't think I have a problem. It's for attention... I couldn't bear it. As I talked in detail about my heavy drug use and sexual activity I was still trying to convince my Mom that I needed this. Still trying to convince her that my father's... my brother's anger was too much. It WASN'T normal and we had to stand up and fight back before it swallows us whole. Whatever.. I'm going to stop now. This actually helped...