Jenton's Journal

So the therapist wants me to write what's on my mind between sessions so we can figure out what we need to work on first. one thing on my mind today is triggered by a statement made by a friend who has said to me on more than one occassion "you have put up with way more in your life than I ever could have". Just as my doctor used to tell me that I let my ex-husband make a door mat out of me and truly most women would not have put up with for one week what I put up with for nearly 30 years. I've done this in the work place, putting up with stuff no one else would and on and on in so many aspects of my life. Why? Did it make me happy? No. It made me depressed.it made me feel defeated, why did I live this way? Now I think I know. Partly PTSD. Confrontation of any kind was always a bad thing growing up, it usually meant violence from my mother so I learned from a young age "don't rock the boat", just go with the flow, whatever anyone wants to keep the peace is fine with me. I'll endure it even if I don't like it or want it as long as it no one gets upset or hurt. Most of the time I just wanted to be invisible.  

I think I also took on a victim mentality from my mother always using me as her hostage. When your mother threatens to kill you as a child at the drop of a hat it gives you the message that you are not valuable, you are not important, YOU do not matter, you are just lucky to be alive to draw another breath so why put up a fight for anything more? It is the complete other end of the spectrum from being spoiled - but every bit as unheathy! So it's learned behavior. I don't know any other way to be. I would have to get outside my comfort zone to actually speak up for my needs and/or wants. Ooohhh scary feeling to me it's so foreign....

So I still "settle" for whatever. I let other people sway my decisions away from what I know that I want or need for myself almost always ending up regretting it because in the end I realized that I did know what was best for ME and they didn't and I should not have let them sway me by what they wanted me to have or do.

But the question remains - how do I unlearn this behavior? How do I learn to speak up for what I want/need. Remain steadfast and not wither in submission as though I am still a victim when people take advantage or try to run over me? This I hope she can help me with. I need to learn to be stronger. Stop being passive. I need to learn to be assertive.

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My affirmations for today:

I am 48 years old. I know what I want. I know what I need. I do not need anyone to tell me nor to guide me in my decisions like a child.

I am not a victim. I am not a victim. I am not a victim.

I can and will learn to be assertive. I will not be afraid to say what I want or need. I am not a spoiled person and therefore my wants and needs valid and not superficial.

And I WILL get a dog.