Journal

There seems to be this epic battle in my life over who controls my life. My step father seems to think no more of me than he does my three year old son. I can't even open the pantry to get a snack without having to explain myself to him, and as far as my hobbies go like gaming...lets just say that any type of gaming is just unacceptable, unless its suduko or spider solitare. If one night I stay awake past midnight, then it the game and I am ruining my life. lets not to mention they'll cut off the internet, but for some odd reason my parents dont seem to understand, I wake up to their consistant nagging, so starting at 7am its "do this, do that" and "I want this done" or "since your so free" and its like that until they go to bed, which is anywheres from midnight to 2 or 3am, so where the hell is the time to myself? why is it that if I do something solely for myself such as playing a game while my son is a sleep such a bad thing? Its not like my day is affected by it, sure around dinner time I might feel the side effects from so little sleep, but hey my son gets three hot meals a day 2 snacks, we go to the park or swimming daily, we work in my garden together, we do art crafts daily. Its not like hes neglected in anyway.

I know I am a good mother,

I know I am a decent person,

I know I am smart, 

I know I am hard working. 

What I don't get is why it has to be such a bad thing to my parents that 

I am a young mother 

I am a single mother

I am having to get help to pay for things like health insurance.

why is it that because I am these things that I don't deserve 

Friends

Time to myself

Eating healthy

weekly trips to places like art museums and science museums?

It just doesnt make sense to me. 

I'm starting to catch my parents. Honestly it is nice to be able to give them a dose of their own medicine. I know that it's not good of me to say, hwoever I'm not out hurting feelings or anything; and the only real use of it is to curb my mothers tongue. However, it's working for me. Pretty much when my mother goes on one of her self-rightous lectures about how she wish I had taken different pathes in life it feels good to point out to her that at each dramatic turning point I was there asking for her guidance and help and she flatly refused. Granted when I show proof of these times she the deflects it to a new conversation, but just seeing her throw up her graud like that is like *score one for me!*

I think by not allowing her words to have such a heavy impact on me as well as being able to speak up against her is really working for me, we'll see.

I've heard the same sentence at least 20 times today.

"We're not hiring right now, though we might at the end of August when school starts. Just leave an application."

 Sounds great and all, but applications get lost and though employers say that they'll look at it if the needs arise...I've worked in the office setting of daycares before, IF the need arises then its whats on top of the pile that gets looked at, not some month old application.

To make matters worse, my step-father is PMSing today. Matter of fact he's been PMSing ever since my parents got home from the 4th of July vacation with his 6 wonderful, perfect parent, religiously devout Mormon kids. Oh! lets not forget there perfectly behaved children, compared to my screaming tantrum wonder. But hey, theres absolutely no difference between children who spend hours upon hours in a daycare setting compared to stay at home moms who's children barely even see the likes of public school.