Notsroflife's Journal

This is going to be a rambling rant-ish entry...

#1. parentage says, "you don't take enough pictures of your sister and the baby"

My problem:

A. This is a total assumption based on what she sees at the moment.  What does she see? Photos of the baby that I was choosing to show her.

(Side Point...I actually have many pictures of my sis and the baby.  It just so happened that I realized I almost never take pictures of the dad with the baby, so I focused on them last time...that's what the parentage saw.)

B.  These are MY pictures, that I  have take.  No one asked me to take the pictures for them.  So what right does she have to say that I didn't do it according to her standard?  What right does she have to hold me to there standard?

 (Side Point...if it werent for the pictures I have taken, there would be very few.  The only pictures my sister has on her wall of the baby are the ones I've taken of him)

C.  I found myself trying to prove that I did have many pictures of my sis and the baby.  Why couldn't I just let it roll off and say to myself, as my sisters and I often jest, 'ohhhh mom'.

(Side point...this is were my frustration lies with me...because I fall into that trap that she consciously or subconsciously (I don't really care at this point which it is) wants to snag me, keep me subservient in.

 This is just one of many instances within one visit, let alone an entire lifetime.

D.  When I tried to express my feelings to her, the result was 'attack and defend' mode.  I became so flustered that I couldn't articulate my concerns like I wanted to.  It would take pages and pages to describe each manipulative manuvuer.

Solution:

 A. My first instinct is to try to communicate my feelings again and hope for some effort to adjust.  However, this hope is dashed to the ground with the realization that she Will Not Change.  I know this because its not the first time its been brought to her attention and she told me so! (nice, huh?!!?)

B.  My dear friend suggested the following:

"From what I gather, she's not one to argue with. She's very established in a mindset. I wouldn't worry too much about trying to change that at this point.

Find another approach.  One that steps out of the arena she uses

You have to look at what reactions from you she is counting on to keep things going and change those reactions, comletely step out of the arena, like the buddha saying "I do not accept this gift you have given me, you may keep it"

People with a power struggle agenda always have a set pattern to get you into their trip: a hook

You argued, which is her turf. She has her frame and is not a person who will step out. Affectionately people like to call themselves "strong willed" and such, but it is simply pride. An inflexibility of perspective; an inability to truly communicate so they mostly talk AT people and argue when the other says something.

Do not listen and do not argue.  Suggest something else to do or just go do something else, lol. Say you hoped to spend some nice time together but if you're always just going to be arguing and degrating than I'll find something else to do with my time; I'm not interested in this trip.

Just examine for a while and see the subtleties of the situation and how you are playing her game."

(Side point...this was a chat discussion which I omitted some chatter inbetween and of course the names have been changed (omitted actually) to protect the innocent.  )

I thought this was a wonderful solution to this problem.  I'm not sure how it will come off or if I'll have the courage to do it.  (The parentage can be very intimidating for me) But I'm determined to try this.  Maybe between this and some therapy...and some drugs (perscribed ones, of course ;p) It wil all come together in the end.  I wont expect to change her, but I'll learn how to protect myself from its damaging effects.

Trying to figure this one out has been such an arduous journey, not even there yet.  But I've learned some noteworthy things out of it and so I've put it out here to share incase someone else is struggling with a similar issue. (who doesn't have a communication challenge with at least one person in their life, right.  BTW, if you're that person, please post why you've had 100% sucess rate, I'm sure we could all benefit from hearing it. )

*end of transmission*