Journal

Today, I was cleaning up, reorganizing, and rearranging.

I unpacked a couple boxes and among the contents were photos of my dad.  My dad passed away almost 2 years ago, but as I looked through them, I was flooded with sadness.  I've been missing him so much.

Although I've been feeling so happy lately, there is this part of me that feels empty, wanting, wishing my dad to be here.  I want to tell him the things going on in my life.  I want to tell him how my husband hurt me and how the life I knew wasn't a life at all.  I wanted to hear him tell me that he 'knows people' and if I wanted them to 'take care of him' for me that he'd make the call.  (Of course he wouldn't have had him 'whacked'  But it was always fun plotting revenge with my dad.)

I wanted to hear him express his confidence in me that I'd make it through this just as I had other challenges in my life, that he believed in me, that he just wanted to see me safe and happy.

But he's not here to tell me these things.  I miss him so!

I've lost special people in my life to death, but I've never felt grief like this before.

When will the pain end?

Well, the appointment went fine.  I felt all clammed up at first but then I felt more comfortable talking to him and answering his questions.

No sooner the appointment we coming to a close and I am thinking, 'Yeah, this guy's ok'  He sticks it me and says he's leaving the clinic!

I thought I was going to cry!  He discerned that and quickly told me how wonderful the doc he's transfering me to is and offered to introduce me to her.  Hopped up quick like a bunny to divert the flood of tears I was struggling to choke back.

Then he closed by saying to please keep coming back and begged me not to use this as an excuse to disappear and quit taking my meds.

My questions is..."how did he know what I was thinking???"

(@ Whirl: Don't worry, my dear, it was only a fleeting thought.

Passed as quick as it came! :P )

So that was my Pdoc Appointment expedition!  

well, tomorrow is my appointment...another 4 weeks have passed.

I am as anxious as I could be!  Why oh Why do I feel anxious?

Lets analyze together... (uh, hello, anyone else here?  am I talking to myself? or is the person I'm talking to the other me? *snicker snort*)  Well I don't know who I'm analyzing with but let us begin.

My pdoc is a nice guy, a younger doc and very on his game I gather.

But he asks questions to 'assess' me.  I hate being assessed!

Wait!  Maybe that's it!  By George, I think we've got it!

I equate being assessed to being judged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow see the benefits of working together?

*look left*  *look right*

Who the heck am I talking to?

Well, bottom line (I think) is that I am hyper sensitive to being judged right now.

I know that that is not what the doctor is doing, its how it makes me feel.

See?  This is why I need therapy!

I must resolve to tell him the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

*end of transmission*