AllisonG1227's Journal

I just don't know where to start. Nine years is a long time to be with someone. There is still love... I can't seem to move past that. I know leaving... being on my own is the right move. I know it's what I need, but I just feel lost. I don't know where to begin to rebuild. I know i never want to feel this way again. i know I never want to be treated this way again, but how??

I've always been a "fixer". It goes back to childhood. Protecting my sister from an abusive alcoholic step father. Mother in denial (still to this day). I always said I would get out and I would never have a life like that. That when I was the adult and I had the power I would never allow anyone to treat me or my family that way. And here i am, an adult, and yet so powerless. So stupid. So blind. So in love with the "what if" that I was blind to the "what is". I justified my stupidity by telling myself that alcohol was the problem and without it, the problems would go away. So naive.I became the one thing I promised myself that I never would...... my mother. Have I doomed my own daughter to be as stupid as i am?!..... I was. 

If I make changes... if I find my own place, my own voice.... is there hope? If i can change, if I can renew... can he? Can trust ever be restored? I need to focus... on me.... on my family. I need to find some peace in my heart.