Journal

Okay so today is the 1st meeting for this womans group and I have been set to go tot this for like 3 weeks. Now suddenly its today and I just cant seem to get myself up for going. Whats holding me back? What about this seems so scary? I cant seem to put any one thing in place. Is it the whole idea of being with these people that I dont know? I have always been outgoing.. always been able to talk to anyone. Why is the thought of this making me cry? Do I not want to let go of my security blanket? Is letting go of my old pain so hard? I want a new life.. I want a new beginning but maybe I just dont want to do the work to get there..... I am I so damn weak that I cant do this alone. God how pathetic am I? Am I just not ready or am I making ridiculous excuses? I just dont know what to do!!!

Where do I begin? I keep asking myself that. Have i already begun and i just dont realize it? I keep wondering when the recovery begins and how do I get there.... but today I think just the fact that I am here and asking myself that question is my proof that I am on a path to recovery. I know what I want for my life and my old self wants to start drafting this elaborate plan on how to get there. You know.... if I do this.. then he should do that... and then we will live happily ever after..... bah blah blah. Well that doesnt work. it never worked before and I cant get new results by repeating the same actions. So today I can only do what I think I need to do to feel good about me. I have hope that John will find his path to an actual recovery  to see that just surviving sober is not enough. I can hope that he will find a path to happiness, but I cannot find that path or drag him onto that path. I can find my path and I can have faith and that is all I can do.