Journal

so its been awhile since ive been on and a lot has happen.

first off i had the biggest obstacle of my life.  i had to talk to my father. it didnt really solve everything but i finally got my words out to him but i dont even think he listened.

i stopped going to therapy after that. that was the main reason i went to be able to handle my father. i feel like i have been handling things a lot better i still have thoughs days i just wanna die. life is still so rough.

i cant quit smoking even though i really dont want to. but i feel like i should because its really not that good for me but it helps get threw the day.

i have a new boy in my life wel actually an old boy lol. im ex boyfriend mike and i got back together last night on halloween. whats so funny is that last time he asked me out it was on the anniversary of my bff's cousin's death. and now halloween. lol i guess we like holidays lol

i dont know what it is with that kid but i think i for reallove him. he's the only guy ive ever been able to talk to before and feel comfortable around. he makes me feel like its okay to be me and i havent felt like me in forever. tasha changed me and me and her dont talk anymore cause apparently im not aloud to hang out with anyone or "im ditching" her. thats some old bullshit. but its been almost a week now where i havent been around her and im finally turning into myself again. and i absoluately love it. lol i think my bff that i have had the longest, scotty, brings out the best in me just like mike says. i'm patty and i dont have to act like anyone else.

i hate girls and i think i finally realized why because they change you. when girls are around each other they act like each other and i hate that. and thats why. but im tired and im gonna go to sleep update in another week or so... night.

its my senior year of high schoool and it aint going as perfectly as it should. i feel like im sinking back into depression and this time theres goona be no way out. i think thats pretty much how it usually feels though. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i am lifelless like there is nothing left for me in the world to do and now im just wasting time and like its not all that important. i have a meeting with my father coming uo and im terrified to death. thinkinh about gets me super anxious and i dont really like it. then i got college to worry about and all this growinf up stuff. lets just say im not too excited...

i wish i could just stay a kid forever...

i really honestly dont know anymore. life seems to be gettin easier. i have a great guy in my life. but my father just wont disappear like i want to. he thinks there's something wrong with me. did he ever stop to think that maybe i just don't like him and want nothing to do with him. he can say all he wants and says he never did the things he did but hello i do know what i went through with that  man. he emotionally abused me for years the way he use to yell because of the dogs. saying how my mom never let him see me. know he never wanted to see me. everytime i was there he never wanted to do anything i wanted too. you know going to see a movie every other weekend then out to eat got kinda boring. i dont wanna see my father and he just cant get through his thick ass skull. what more does he want me to do. he blames me hating him on everyone in my life did he ever stop to think that maybe it's him. maybe i just don't like the person he is. I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM!!!!

what should i do. i wish he would just disappear forever and never come back.

maybe i should not go through my mom's emails anymore so i dont have to hear his bullshit. who really cares what he says.