MikeJRobinson's Journal

Well lets see.  Here is my life story in a nutshell, details on request if i am around.

Had a best friend who made me have sex with him when i was 11 and he was 13.

After that we quit being friends adn I blocked it out for years almost the day after it happened and never ever told anyone.

Never really made new friends for years and then the ones i made all 4 of them still let me down at times of need but i looked past it.

Was bullied in every possible way from age 12 to college and in college i had no self esteem or real friends either. 

At age 15 I tried asking a cop for help with the bullying and before i could teh bullies showed up and teh cop actually teased me too, so i went inside the school and slit my wrist.  That is how i learned cutting helps make you feel better.

In colllege i stopped cutting when the guys introduced me to strippers and before long i started paying for sex since i planned to kill myself anyway i may as wellenjoy what i can i thought.  After all it was the only way i could ever get laid, no one would want me.

Met my first gf and thought i had finally turned the corner, she understood and loved me anyway.  When we had sex though it finally brought back her repressed memories of being passed around a poker table by her step father when sh e was 8 for sex and she could not handle a relationship, she dumped me and i wanted to kill myself.  Instead the cops followed me home andi got treated for depression and self injury with prozac. The shrink never listened to me and i got better only when i quit taking meds and met the woman who is now my wife. 

Married her thinking all was perfect but it was just lying in wait under my skin to come back again even worse.  i married her for wrong reasons but now i love her and am dissatisfied with sex life that she is not willing to give more to satisfy my needs. No BJ 's etc... same old stuff.

Now i cut still and have been arrested for weapons charges when i attempted suicide and threatened to kill the cop that teased me as a kid.  I see escorts when i have to so i do not cut myself cause if i do that i risk going to a mental hospital as it is a parole violtion to have sharp objects. I am trying to find a lover so i do not have to pay for sex but no one wants me even when they think i am single and normal.

I have no idea what is normal sexually and what is not normal and i think that i am a puppet or a pawn for some higher power that is using me for an experiment to see how much shit i can take before offing myself.

The only reason i have not jumped in front of a train is cause i dont want the higher power or as i refer to him the "puppet master" to win his game.

That is how fucked up I am and no one cares to help me.  I see a psychologist and a mental health worker, my parents are supportive and wife tries but no one can really relate.

I feel if i were dead everyone would be beter off, including people from DS.

Well there is my big life story.  If anyone gives a shit let me know.

bye for now i guess