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MikeJRobinson 
11:32am, October 13, 2009
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Well lets see. Here is my life story in a nutshell, details on request if i am around.
Had a best friend who made me have sex with him when i was 11 and he was 13.
After that we quit being friends adn I blocked it out for years almost the day after it happened and never ever told anyone.
Never really made new friends for years and then the ones i made all 4 of them still let me down at times of need but i looked past it.
Was bullied in every possible way from age 12 to college and in college i had no self esteem or real friends either.
At age 15 I tried asking a cop for help with the bullying and before i could teh bullies showed up and teh cop actually teased me too, so i went inside the school and slit my wrist. That is how i learned cutting helps make you feel better.
In colllege i stopped cutting when the guys introduced me to strippers and before long i started paying for sex since i planned to kill myself anyway i may as wellenjoy what i can i thought. After all it was the only way i could ever get laid, no one would want me.
Met my first gf and thought i had finally turned the corner, she understood and loved me anyway. When we had sex though it finally brought back her repressed memories of being passed around a poker table by her step father when sh e was 8 for sex and she could not handle a relationship, she dumped me and i wanted to kill myself. Instead the cops followed me home andi got treated for depression and self injury with prozac. The shrink never listened to me and i got better only when i quit taking meds and met the woman who is now my wife.
Married her thinking all was perfect but it was just lying in wait under my skin to come back again even worse. i married her for wrong reasons but now i love her and am dissatisfied with sex life that she is not willing to give more to satisfy my needs. No BJ 's etc... same old stuff.
Now i cut still and have been arrested for weapons charges when i attempted suicide and threatened to kill the cop that teased me as a kid. I see escorts when i have to so i do not cut myself cause if i do that i risk going to a mental hospital as it is a parole violtion to have sharp objects. I am trying to find a lover so i do not have to pay for sex but no one wants me even when they think i am single and normal.
I have no idea what is normal sexually and what is not normal and i think that i am a puppet or a pawn for some higher power that is using me for an experiment to see how much shit i can take before offing myself.
The only reason i have not jumped in front of a train is cause i dont want the higher power or as i refer to him the "puppet master" to win his game.
That is how fucked up I am and no one cares to help me. I see a psychologist and a mental health worker, my parents are supportive and wife tries but no one can really relate.
I feel if i were dead everyone would be beter off, including people from DS.
Well there is my big life story. If anyone gives a shit let me know.
bye for now i guess
Comments
I have no idea what to put as a journal entry. I am not a good person for putting things on paper unless asked questions I tend to ramble on and sound pathetic. Maybe that is why I have more online friends than real friends and they are still few and far between. I trust women more adn get along with them better cause of my past history that someday maybe i will share with you if asked. I have few friends in the real world cause they have always found some way to hurt me or to use me. Some are freinds that you never really hear from but when you run into them you do not want them to leave you alone again. Others like to kid like all the teasing and bullying was fun and games for them and me while you really wish they were dead. Then there are those who will always be freinds even though they hurt you and you are to scared to try and make amends.
If any of this makes sense to you then let me know cause i am so confused about life most of the time i do not know if i am coming or going and whether i would be better alive or dead.
Comments
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You don't have to worry about what you put in a journal on here - the good thing about this site is that we all have our issues that we're trying to deal with; so, even if we can't relate to your particular situations, we can relate to the struggle of getting through it all.
As for rambling, anyone who's been mad enough to read my journal entries can tell you that that's a habit we both share lol
It gets easier to write stuff down, and the more you do the more you will realise that it does help - even if other people can't advise you, etc, it helps make things clearer to yourself. Writing is one of the best forms of therapy there is.
I understand the friend thing too. I have 4 people I consider real friends, and a number of people I just know. I used to (and still do quite a bit) keep my distance to stop myself from getting used and hurt - but I'm starting to realise that if you do that, you also keep your distance from people who could become really important in your life. Since I've started letting people in again, I've been hurt - a lot! But it's made me see that I'm strong enough to survive it.
(see....? rambling lol)
xxxx
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I must tell you that, if there is someone at fault here, it is certainly not you.
Bullies, comes from abusive families, and when growing up, it's the only identity they know and that they can use to be popular in the circles of bullies.
Personally I was never bullied, I was in fact quite popular and mostly a Leader in my own group of friends, in school and even in older life.
But my beautiful teenage daughter, was a victim of abuse one year, when she was in grade 6.
To the point that she had missed a good 10 days of school due to it.
I had a meeting with the Principal at the time, but he prefered to keep the bully iin school, instead of expulsing him out of school.
Why? because the child was better off being in school at least 7 hours a day, then being at home, where his parents were into heavy drugs.,
Get my point.
The child was a bully, cause he was bullied at home, by a coule of parents, who were on drugs, and probably got very upset when he was in their way when doing their drugs.
So I did explain this to the best of my knowledge to my beautiful daughter, and today, she is popular, and most importantly a Leader.
Fortunately it only happened that year, and never again.
As for you my friend, when this happens to you, please let them be, and leave them they are most likely not very popular with the real crowd of people who are well brought up, like you were.
Are you in therapy? or like DarkFireDreams sugested, write a daily journal, with your thoughts and experiences, it just might help you go through life easier.
Good luck, Mckenzie
One day at the time.
ps: one good piece of advice before I close, listen to the news, read journals, listen to the radio, for the recents events, everyone in my circle loves to hear about recent events, and not all listens for it, so you always have something new to talk about with your friends. They will immediately find you resourceful, and interesting. One more thing, it's always better to listen than to talk to much. Maybe it could be a turning point for you, to use these 2 very useful bit of advice.
Hey Mike. I had no idea. You have certainly been through a lot in life. After reading this my heart goes out to you. This world wouldn't be a better place if you were gone. Think of all the family and friends who will miss you. I don't see you as a "fucked up" person. I just see someone who has a heavy heart and has been to hell and back. I know self Injury is a release for some and i also know that it's addictive, I just hope that you can find some distractions the next time you feel an urge to do it. If you ever need someone to listen i'm here and if not feel free to msg me anytime and i will definately get back to you. Take care.
Mari
MizzTequilera
In general with your wife everything else is ok with you guys.?
Then I would forget about the bj, which is not that important to most in life, and build up a life with her, if you lo0ve her.
See my reply on your other journal entry, it was more my domain that his entry.
Mac One day at the time.
Mckenzie