Kelz76's Journal

I would not say I am depressed.. living in anguish might describe it.. when I feel anything at all.. it tends to be pain.. maybe it would help if I outlined my current situation.. In about a 6 month span.. I lost my life.. my grandparents died (lung cancer for my grandmother.. and a broken back (and heart) for my grandfather.) they were married for 64 wonderful years.. and he literally could not live without her..  my wife left me (taking with her my 3 beutiful children as well as my home.. I then started drinking again.. which inevitably cost me my job..)  it is almost cliched enought to be a bad movie plot..

the funny thing about my divorce was that I learned that the people in my life.. whom I had considered my friends.. were in fact.. her friends.. and when it came time to pick sides.. (which I never asked of anyone.. (if she did I never heard of it) they all lined up behind her..) despite years of counseling and me making every attempt to heal our marrage in the end.. she simply was not happy with me.. and as a result.. neither am I..

I was left.. at my lowest point living alone.. with no one.. no friends.. no family nothing.. just the clothes on my back.. and an empty apartment (I literly mean it was empty.. I slept on the floor..).. slowly.. I have been attempting to rebuild my life.. I have a new job.. a new car.. and thoeretically a new life.. but it is hollow.. I am only attempting to rebuild what I have lost (as far as career.. material possessions etc..) because I really dont see what other choice I have.. however, none of this brings me statisfaction.. I need to find something worth living for.. and I have been trying..

I have learned that I should not/cannot have any sort of meaningful relationship with other people.. I have lost that ability.. and honestly the desire.. I hate being alone.. but feeling like someone could cause me more pain is more frightening to me than thinking of eating dinner by myself at a restaurant.. or going to a movie alone..

so for now..  I wake up everymorning.. wishing I wouldnt.. then I put on my social mask.. I laugh, I joke I appear normal to everyone around me.. but NONE of them know who I am.. how could they..

I know.. deep down.. that this too will pass.. that I will heal.. and the pain will all be behind me.. which is why.. I am still here.. I am not scared of dieing.. but my faith that God does in fact have a plan for me keeps me moving.. 

 The reason why I post this journal every day (and post it publicly) is because I hope that an honest expression of my feelings with no holds barred.. will help to keep me sane.. and wonder if there are others who are going through this.. if so.. I want to meet them.. I want to be able to talk to them.. and listen too them talk.. I have learned so much about surviving and living with darkness in my soul.. Maybe just maybe.. I can help someone else survive a similar expreiance.. I know that I here for the duration.. and looking around this site.. I see others that ask the same questions of themselves that I did.. I am at another low point right now.. but it will be over soon.. after I plan on reaching out and helping those that I can..

anyhow.. sorry if you sat though my disjointed ranting.. not enough sleep and too much caffine for me today..

Kelz..