stronghearted's Journal

2 fridays ago i started smoking an addiction i always had but quit for almost 5 years  when i smoke it relaxes me but my spouse does not except me smoking so i sneek around to avoid him because he hates it i feel like im hideing from my father i hate it he wants me to quit and it adds a pressure on me i dont smoke around my kids i smoke outside and away from them i told my whole family they except it and understand why and i also told all of my children and they dont like it but they don judge me eather  but they see me hide from my souse and iots not good because it teaches them to hide  i fell relaxed when i smoke and i know the what smoking can do but i am also on nerve pills but what can they do as well so i way it out im a nervouse person less pills more smoke or more pills no smoke but i was thinking of drinking as well so smoking is less bad then smoking i am not one to express my feelings i repress  and i could turn to drugs or alcohol but i choosed cigarets insted and to take less pills but he is head strong and will not listen because he stoped everything he stoped drinking dope and smoking and he deals with his stress another way but i can deal with it like him i am still true to my tradition and i went fasting i lasted 3 days and i prayed and had the what i needed to doand i go to sweats and i remain strong until i am unable but i am seeing a therapist and she is helping me  and im starting to tell people what i think when i feel it  and i continue to pray and do ceromonies