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runxc19 
1:02pm, October 24, 2009
so where am I? honestly, i've never really felt so disoriented. i am constantly inbetween conciousness and unconciousness, the past and the present. i am using all my will power to anchor myself to the floor and ground myself. i feel like my body and my spirit will never wholly be mine again.
i no longer want to keep fighting to exisit, but i want to find a place of safty and solace. i want to be able to breathe and accept the process of healing, allow myself empathy and care. i want to find ways of articulation, allow others in and acknowledge my fear of abandonment and shame but move on. find a way not to be so scared of breaking the silence.
i find myself static and unable to move. its terrifying what flashbacks bring and when you know your body itself is breaking down and responding to the stress put upon it. but then i know that there is some inner preserverance, something that forces me to center myself and sit through it with a hope that things will be different.
"He who learns must suffer
Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget, falls drop by
drop upon the heart and in our despair, against or will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God"
aeschyluo
Comments
Well I know how you feel, last few months dont really care that I exist and dont have the energy to move forward, I am though, started seeing Therapist and will be seeing Pdoc for meds on Monday, hope that I can get some focus at work and in life, I know there is so much out there, but seems so easy to ignore it all.
Will be praying for you
{{{hugs}}}
Michael
Mikie67