Journal

today i talked a lot. well a lot for my shelter of silence. i'm such in the midst of things its really hard to articulate much. i still havn't slept much. mostly out of fear. i guess it gets complicated when you are dealing with ptsd and current stuff at the same time; it doesn't leave much room to say to yourself "no i am safe" when you arn't safe. but i'm not completely alone this time.

my therapist was away for this week, so i ended up meeting three times with my dr, and she even has been calling/consulting with one of the best ptsd specialist on the east coast. so its nice to know people arn't just doing the walking away thing. but its exposing and its lonely, and im just tired and hurt.

hope floats*

so where am I? honestly, i've never really felt so disoriented. i am constantly inbetween conciousness and unconciousness, the past and the present. i am using all my will power to anchor myself to the floor and ground myself. i feel like my body and my spirit will never wholly be mine again.

 i no longer want to keep fighting to exisit, but i want to find a place of safty and solace. i want to be able to breathe and accept the process of healing, allow myself empathy and care. i want to find ways of articulation, allow others in and acknowledge my fear of abandonment and shame but move on.  find a way not to be so scared of breaking the silence.

i find myself static and unable to move. its terrifying what flashbacks bring and when you know your body itself is breaking down and responding to the stress put upon it. but then i know that there is some inner preserverance, something that forces me to center myself and sit through it with a hope that things will be different. 

"He who learns must suffer

Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget, falls drop by

drop upon the heart and in our despair, against or will,

comes wisdom through the awful grace of God"

aeschyluo