galiger's Journal

Joining DS has not being the homecoming I've been hoping for.  I don't feel quite like I fit in, and it's really discouraging.  Recently, I pretty much got into an argument with another member through Messages, and I don't know who started it, and while I'm sure it was all miscommunication, it left a bad taste in my mouth. 

Every talks about faith and support and being there for each other.  I don't feel it.  It may be because I already lead a fairly isolated life, and I just can't reach out to others that easily, even online.  Or I've seen too much tragdety and illness at work/family/life that it's hard for me to feel compassion or connection, that I'm too jaded- so I'm keeping what little emotion I have left for myself.  I've built walls, and it's scary to see how high they've gotten.

So now I'm wondering if I should continue on here.  If it makes any difference.   Usually, a visit just makes me more anxious and worried, or annoyed and frustrated.  Then again, that usually happens when I visit anyone besides than a select few.

I think, mostly, I'm unable to loosen up when it comes to this disease.  I'm still wound too tight, and still too tense.  I'm jaded becaues I've seen how much change has occured since it entered my life and I see my future slipping past me more and more everyday.  And this place is just a reminder.  How long before I can't work anymore?  How long before I have to take meds stronger than advil and flexeril?

Does turning away from this place change any of those fears? No.  But it would be much easier to ignore them.  To pretend that I'll get better one day or that I can be like everyone else, just at a slightly slower pace. 

I was already jipped out of my childhood. And now I feel jipped out of my young adulthood and I'm speeding headlong into old age.  But without the remembered joys of a long full life.  I'm 21 and I feel old.