rharris's Journal

Thank you all for actually wanting to read my ramblings. :o) Here's my testimonial...please feel free to be honest as it will be spoken at my church at some point.  Thanks to all and please have a wonderful, blessed and beautiful week... we all deserve it. :o)

My name is Becky Harris…if you’ve spoken to Fred and Elsie P., I’m ‘Becky across the street’.  I’m here today because I know pain.  Up until last October, I had a fairly normal, crazy beautiful life.  On October 4, 2008, my best friend, who is also my mom, Gracie Cooper, was diagnosed with stage 3c ovarian cancer.  When we received the news, it was as if I’d been punched in the stomach…it took my breath away, along with my joy.  For the first week, I was barely able to get myself together to go to work. I went to her house every night, called her multiple times a day, and couldn’t look at her without feeling like I’d already lost her.  She’d look at me and ask what she could do for me.  I was devastated and I prayed harder than I’d prayed in a long time… I prayed that God wouldn’t let her suffer.  We needed God.  We began treatments immediately and she quickly improved from her 89 lbs. and started gaining weight. She responded well to the treatments and slowly, hope returned.  In dealing with my own despair, I guess I didn’t see what it was doing to my dad…how it was worrying him and wearing him down.  On November 26, my 35th birthday and the day before Thanksgiving, my mom called to wish me a happy birthday.  She mentioned that Daddy had gone to get his truck inspected and hadn’t come back home. I immediately got a bad feeling and asked if she wanted me to check with the garage…she said ‘no, he’s probably visiting a CB buddy’.  I knew he wouldn’t leave her…since she’d been diagnosed, he never left her.  He constantly told her he loved her and how if God chose to take her, He’d have to take him, too, b/c he couldn’t bear to live without his Grace.  While I was talking to Mom, she asked me to hold on as three police cars had just pulled in the drive.  I asked her to keep me on the phone but she insisted on calling me back.  I knew…I knew that something was really wrong. I tried to call my sister to go to Mom’s, knowing she was about to get bad news.  I called back about five minutes later and she just said ‘He’s gone…your daddy’s gone’  He was found in his truck only a minute from their house, apparently having died from a heart attack.  My daddy, Gary Cooper, was 57 years old and went to meet his Lord and Savior on my birthday…what better gift could I get than that? He was a jokester, a kind hearted man who was salt of the earth.  He’d give you the shirt off his back if he thought you needed it more than he did.  I didn’t know his pain but God did…I think He took my daddy first, knowing he couldn’t handle what was to come with my mom.  As if He allowed Daddy to kiss Mom goodbye and then met him up around the  corner to take him home.  Afterwards, the pain was sometimes unbearable…I had never cried so hard that it hurt but now I did.  I prayed for God to hold us close…sometimes, He felt so far away.  It was as if my grief had built a wall between us at times.  One day, I realized that He was there all along… in the calls, the hugs, the visits from everyone who wanted to take care of me during that time.  That was God…He never left me.  He came to me through the love of others.  From there, my sisters and I became caregiver for my mom, ensuring that she got to her visits, got her medications, etc.  She never lost hope, even in her most painful days, both with grief and treatments. She always said she was going to beat it and be around for years to come. I was afraid she wouldn’t make it until Christmas but she showed me.  Every few months, I’d say to her “We’ve come a long way, Mom! It’s already March!” or whatever month it was.  Our favorite thing to do was to sit on the swing on my carport, talk and watch the world go by. Sometimes, we’d sit on the couch and watch a movie.  One day, when I was just really down, I left work early and she came to see me.  Acting as her caregiver, the role had been reversed for awhile with us taking care of her.  On this day, I sat with her and cried and she held me until I felt better. Once again, she was Mom and I was the child who needed her so.  On Sept. 1, Mom was extremely sick from her chemotherapy and had been vomiting for 5 days.  The thing is…I was going to take her to the doctor but my motto is, if you vomit, I shall vomit with you.  I have always had a weak stomach.  On the way to Mom’s house to pick her up, I prayed for God to make me a caregiver for that day, so I could take care of her without her feeling bad that I was having to do it.  I serve a mighty God…I was able to care for her, wipe her mouth and clean her up with no problems at all.  Later that day, my mom had to go to Hospice House b/c of severe dehydration and the need for pain management.  I thought she’d get to feeling better once she had the fluids and get to go home.  Her nurse had told her that she was stage 4 and that they couldn’t heal her cancer.  I don’t know if she stopped hoping or if she just couldn’t fight it anymore but when she told me about the conversation, we both cried.  I told her that I would never want her to hold on for me…I knew her pain was terrible.  I had been praying all along for the miracle of healing and now I prayed for God to give her Heaven or healing, His will, but to take her from the suffering that she was enduring.  When I told Mom this, she acted upbeat and said, “I think it’ll be healing” I told her I knew it would be, either way.  Watching someone suffer with cancer is a terrible thing…they literally fade before your eyes.  We checked Mom in on Tuesday at Hospice House.  By Thursday, she could only mumble, then it would fade into no sound…only her mouth moving. By Saturday, she didn’t open her eyes any longer.  The doctors told us it would be soon…and we all tried to begin saying our good-byes.  It’s a hard realization that someone isn’t coming back to you…that the time you’ve feared for so long is here and now…coming quickly no matter what you do or how hard you pray…that you can’t love them better.  I whispered in her ear and told her it was ok to go… but to send me a rainbow when she got there to let me know she was ok. God answered my prayer…He chose Heaven.  My mom passed peacefully in her sister’s arms Monday morning.  I was there when she took her last breath.  She was beautiful and strong and the love she gave to me was always unconditional.  The day after she passed, she sent me a rainbow…a big, bright one.  She loved me that much.  I know pain…but I know God’s grace is bigger than anything I’ve endured.  He’s gotten me up every day when my own strength wasn’t enough.  He’s restored my joy where joy shouldn’t be found, in the midst of my grief.  God has filled me with His peace…so many times I’ve not been able to understand how I’m still together, but I am.  I have no doubt He has carried my family all last year…nobody could endure that without Him.