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rharris 
4:00pm, September 13, 2009
I'm sorry I'm not logging in very often...I'm just so sad. I can barely stand myself sometimes. I remember now from when my dad passed that it only gets lonelier afterwards. You would think that the initial death is the worst when honestly, it's afterwards when you really start to miss that person...their voice, their love, their smell, their laugh. So many times I find myself wanting to call my mom...and sadness can be so heavy. It's as if the shock of losing someone blocks your pain for a short time...then it makes it's way to your heart and settles in on your heart for awhile. I'm a visual person, I guess, so that's how I picture my grief. Like an old, unwelcome friend. Most everyone has gone back to their lives and getting ready for the holidays....while it seems my world has just stopped for a bit. I feel stuck in sadness...Sometimes, I'm ok...mostly have been lately. This past Friday, I packed away some of Mom's things and when i got to the jacket she always wore, I had to stop awhile and just hold it...and hug it. It was like hugging her again if I closed my eyes. Then I worked on a testimonial for church...far from being able to read it or say it in front of anyone but I felt the need to write it while my emotions are where they are. I'll put it on here soon if anyone wants to read it. Needless to say, I cried a lot and my eyes were puffy all day Saturday. I blamed it on allergies. :o) I am dreading November...Mom's 59th birthday would have been Nov. 16 and my birthday is Nov. 26 (also the first anniversary of Daddy's death). I think I'll stay home that day...my sisters want to take me out so I'm sure they'll make me do something. ugh...
I didn't go to church Sunday...I always feel guilty but I know God knows where I am right now...He knows how I feel and how it hurts. So I hope He understands. I think of all of you and you are in my prayers daily. If I log on my computer, I usually play mindless computer games to just not think...i need to stop that as I get headaches from sitting at the computer. I do prefer to write...it's just easier not to think sometimes. I have no doubt some of you know where I'm coming from. Miss you all and will write again soon.
Comments
Bless you loads Becky.. How wonderful that you were so close to your mother, your love for each other will always be there and one day will bring you great happiness again, I'm sure.. I'm sorry it's so painful just now.
The comment you left on my journal said that you wrote poetry and that you were having 'dry' time just now.. I get the sense from what you have written here that you have plenty to express.. perhaps it just feels too painful to look so closely at.. I usually write when I am unhappy or disturbed by something.. writing about it in verse often helps to give me fresh and better perspectives.. helps me to understand my emotions better and to move me forward..
I'm illustrating a book of 'Grown Up Nursery Rhymes'.. there are 22 of them. A couple of the images are in my photo section. It's a project I've been struggling to find the time for, for a quite a few years now. I would be lost without this to do whilst being banged up on the chemo.
Hugest hugs to you and all the best wishes for better and happier times.. xxxxxx
Halli
B, Biggest of Hugs to you and the family. I won't lie to you, when someone you love dies especially a parent that you were so very close to it leaves a hole in you heart that will never mend. I still think of my mom and it's been 8 years now. When I think of her though it's not the overwhelming grief but a I miss her and I always think back on some of the great times I had with mom. You will always remember her and your dad and they are waiting on you in heaven looking down on you and the grandkids just enjoying their family in ways we can't imagine. Your not stuck in saddness it just takes time and lots of "GOOD" tears. Keep journaling and please post the testimonial I know we would all like to read it. God Bless hug your family and go see the pastors wife.
goodfight
Wow....what a powerful, beautiful post!! Please, please post your testimonial.....your journal entry is so eloquent....IMHO, you can help all of us who are grieving at this time. Hugs!!! Cindi
EagleMom
I understand how you feel as I was also very close to my mother and missed her terribly when she died. It's part of the grieving process which we need to go through and can be very painful as you are fully aware.
As Halli said it might be a good idea for you to express your emotions by writing poetry. It's a wonderful gift to have and this might help you. I would like to read your testimonial to your Mom if you would like to share it with us here. I'll keep you in my prayers, take care and huge hugs, Gill x x x
MaRhianna