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rharris 
4:00pm, September 13, 2009
I haven't written in awhile...I have been adjusting to Mom being gone. I've had enough for one year...then last Sunday, my pastor of five years, David Treadway, killed himself before church. He conducted my Mom's service and was a great support for me throughout her illness. Please keep his wife and children in your prayers. He had suffered from depression for many years and before church last Sunday, he put his suicide note on the countertop, started both vehicles in the garage and laid his seat back. His poor wife found him...I can't imagine how that must have felt. At the receiving, I stood in front of her for about 10 seconds and she was sobbing, leaning over trying to see him through the group of people in front of her...she didn't know anyone else was in the room. He was 42 years old and gifted at reaching others with his sermons....very sad. Our church has been devastated but we will survive.
I started grief counseling at Hospice this week. On the way there, I thought 'I don't know what i'm going to talk about...I have a wall up and really don't want to go'. Once I got there, the counselor, Patti, asked me to start from the time my mom was diagnosed...I cried and talked for an hour and a half! It felt good, though, to get it out as I do tend to hold it in. I only cry in private and I don't talk about it at work. I miss Mom so much...I kiss her picture every night before I go to bed and I talk to her, ask her for help and know she's with me. My husband took me for a drive after we were notified of my pastor's death and while we were out, we saw a hummingbird...my husband said 'I think your mom is telling you it will be ok' and I have no doubt she was.
I took cookies & brownies to the staff at Hospice for taking such good care of Mom. Her room, #2258, was right across from their desk and it broke my heart to walk in there again. i wanted to go in the room but didn't dare ask...I think someone else was in there. The staff was so kind and loving...I will never forget the kindness we were shown during her fight.
I've missed my friends on here...if I didn't send you a note, please know that I pray for everyone on here daily and you are in my thoughts, even if I can't get the time to log in or send a note. My boys are in sports and our schedule is crazy...I know I'll miss it but I'm ready for this schedule to slow down some.
Love & prayers to all - becky
Comments
Depression is a devestating disease that robs those that suffer from having a normal productive life. I will keep you and the church in my prayers. God Bless!!
goodfight
Send me some cookies and brownies...mmmmm I have such a naughty sweet tooth:) lol
asadheart
How dreadful and shocking for your pastor to have taken his life like that... and for you to have lost his support in such a way. Your mom is right though.. it is OK... Grief is a natural process and important to accept and embrace. Having a counsellor to talk it through with, I think, is the best thing you could be doing here. Don't hold back with your grieving.. beyond the sadness and loss the precious times and the wonderful relationship you had with your mom will always be with you and bring you great happiness and comfort again.. I am sure of that. Just time and taking care to make it better.
Don't worry one bit about not being in touch so much.. we are all here for when you can. Sending you much love and a hug.. xxxxxx
Halli
Oh what a terrible rough time for you. I am so glad you have a grief counselor. I have no doubt that you will make it through this but you father, your mother, and now your pastor - that's a lot to in a short time. Last year a young graduate student in the course I was taking killed himself. Our class had on 18 students in it and it was very wrenching for everyone. I never shared my ordeal with cancer with the other students especially since I was so much older but the instructos knew. What was frustrating is that this young man had so much going for him and he knew the support services available for depressed and suicidal students. The head of counseling services came to our class and did say that when someone decideds to kill themself they find a way. I told on of the instructors that I worked so hard to stay alive and it amazed me that some on so easily ended their life.
I've thought of you often and think of your mother as one of heaven's angels looking after her family most of all as well as the rest of us. Much love, Janet
IUPUI
It's so sad about your pastor taking his life, it must be devastating for his wife.I will keep her and her family in my prayers.
Having counselling will be therapeutic for you as it's better to let it all out rather than bottle it all up. The grieving process takes time and can be very painful, but take comfort in the fact that your Mom is not in any pain anymore and is at peace now. Taks care, keeping you in my prayers, love, Gill xx
MaRhianna
I appreciate all your prayers...I have no doubt that they are part of what keeps me going. I will never doubt the power of a prayer said with love.
I went to church this morning, expecting it to be a slim congregation...was I ever wrong! We had a guest preacher and it was packed. Our preacher's grieving wife was even there...I was so glad. We sang, we laughed and we prayed...and I know we'll make it through this. Still tragic b/c he was so gifted. I do understand that depression really is a terrible disease and having never been there, I can't say that I know what it is to walk in those shoes. My oldest sister seems to have clinical depression and I used to get really frustrated with her. I couldn't understand why she couldn't 'just get over it'. Then a few years ago, out of the blue, I got really depressed (for no real reason). For about two weeks, i didn't want to get out of bed, lost interest in most everything and was lucky to even shower and go to work. It passed and I thought God must have been trying to give me an idea of what my sister goes through pretty regularly and to show me that you can't just 'get over it'. I learned to love her unconditionally and to see that those times when she's in the dark is when she needs me most...not judging her but loving her through it. she's very down about my mom right now so I need to make some time for her. Sometimes life runs me instead of me running my life but I am blessed in SOOOOO many ways and may I never forget that. God is good. :o) Love to all..thanks for taking the time to write to me. I do love reading your replies. Love~ Becky
rharris
Oh becky..you have such a strong Faith. I admire your positive attitude! It really hit home what you said about depression. My brother never understood mine either until recently. He'd get angry when I was moping and wanted to isolate. He finally understands it now and our relationaship is better than ever. God Bless,Katie
asadheart