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rharris 
4:00pm, September 13, 2009
Well....tomorrow is the day. I've dreaded it for awhile but it's here and there's no stopping time. It's Thanksgiving, the one year anniversary of my dad's passing and my 36th birthday. I am really trying not to think of it in a negative way...it's not and I need to remember that. I just can't seem to get rid of the lump in my throat. Whenever I'm alone, it's there...it's actually painful holding back your tears. I'm sure I'm not the only one who experiences that. The bad thing is that if I cried everytime I felt like it, I'd be crying all the time! I do want to think of tomorrow as the day that my dad met his Lord & Savior. I can think of it being the one year anniversary without crying and i can think of it being Thanksgiving without crying, but for SOME reason that I just can't understand, i cry when I think of it being my birthday. I don't mind turning 36...doesn't bother me at all. I guess in some way, it is about my dad and my mom...and the overwhelming sadness that neither of them will be there, ever again. That for the first time ever, I won't get that phone call or card from them, letting me know that they remembered me. I know...in spirit, they are still here. It's just hard to grasp that when the loss is still so new. They seem so far away...a million light years.
If any of my friends read this, I wish you a safe, blessed and Happy Thanksgiving this year. God is good... through it all, He still is.
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UPDATED GOALS
Today is my mom's birthday...she would have been 59 years old today. As soon as I woke up, I thought of her and how she must be at her biggest party ever. I took off work and went shopping, ran errands and then went to counseling at Hospice. Needless to say, I am just tired and ready for a shower and bed. My counselor told me I need to make more time to think about her and allow myself to cry...i don't cry much. It makes me tired and my eyes stay puffy for days...it's just painful altogether when you allow yourself to REALLY go there and think about it. It's like your most painful breakup...knowing there's no chance of reconciliation, no bringing that person back, no matter how hard you try or how much you miss them.
I hope everyone is doing well...I've missed talking to you. Here is a poem I wrote of how sadness feels to me.
Sadness...
I knew you were coming
in early September.
I was afraid of your arrival.
You're so strong...
you overwhelm me and make me cry until it hurts.
Other days, I ignore you
and venture into a smile.
But you're never far away...
you surprise me out of the blue.
There you are...
you lay on my heart, heavy...
like a physical weight.
You settle in.
You remind me of things long forgotten...
good times that make me cry for what was,
bad times that make me feel sorry over and over.
I question who I am
and I doubt myself. If only I had...
You erased the color from my autumn,
took the sound from my music.
You make me forget to breathe.
I don't want to be with you,
yet can't find the strength the go.
I just want to 'be'
I'll be happy when you go.
Becky Harris 2009
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Happy birthday to your mum.. I also get the impression that there are lots of parties and laughter in heaven.. and don't like crying either. I have allowed myself to cry oceans in the past.. thinking I would get it all out, only to find that it dried up my bones and kept the flood gates open.. Lots of art, music and poetry came through those tears though.. and that helped to move me on.. Huge love and hugs to you on this extra special day.. xxx
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Happy birthday to your mom from me, too. Oh these days are always very rough. The pain of loss is still so very raw. It is good that you are getting counseling. My own counseling focuses on facing the pain and then dealing with it; it does help me. Your poem very clearly expresses you feelings. I suspect with time changes will evolve but you need to be where you are right now because you loved your mother so much. Be kind to yourself - much love, Janet
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Don't doubt who you are because you carry part of your parents with you forever. They shaped much of what you are today. I for one think you are a loving soul who lost her best friend. Lucky for you it was you mother. I won't utter all the little sayings about healing and moving on. When your hurting you don't want to hear them. I will say that we are all here for you, your poem was wonderfull and any time you need support just drop any of us a line, we love ya!
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That is an awesome poem... I'm glad you made it through yesterday. I know how that feels. I have trouble facing my pain sometimes too.
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Goal Updated
You are being very brave and I admire your strength. It's natural to feel sad so soon after losing your loved ones. Fortunately you have a strong faith which comforts you, and I hope you will find peace in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ. Keeping you in my prayers, love Gill xx
MaRhianna
Big big hugs to you and happy birthday to you. I believe you mom and dad are with you everyday. Whether a bird that flies over you or a butterfly that sit with you. My advise is to let yourself have the grieving. It has been over a year I lost my mother in law and last sunday at church when praying for her and pa I lost it. I really don't know where it came from but there it was. I am giving you a warm blanket to wrap yourself in when it hurts.....Hugs and more hugs! Beth
buttany1
It must be tough when your birthday is a reminder of such a sad event. Grieving just has to take it's own course and since the passing of your father you have had a very difficult year with your mother going as well... this would all further complicate the process. Sometimes we need some extra help to sort out our emotions.. to talk things through with someone who understands how these things can affect us, to get some insight and clarity into why you are feeling this way. Some berievement counselling might be a help to you.
Loads of love and best wshes are withyou here.. huge hugs. Inka xxx
Halli