Journal

I wrote this last night, I doubt I will send it to him...I just felt like writing. I think he would be angry if he read it, I don't know...

 
 
Eric,
 
You said something to me last night that got me thinking about alot of things. You mentioned how I never really opened up to you about things and let you in on the real me. The truth is, you know the real me....
 
All of my life I have suffered extreme body image problems and lacked confidence. I remember when I was younger even being envious of girls in my class who were prettier and had nicer clothes and school supplies. I never had the best stuff because my mom couldn't afford it. Though I never felt sorry for myself, I still wanted more out of life than what I saw around me. I wanted more out of my life than being me. I was good at a lot of things and that made me feel hopeful that I could be something truely amazing in life.. but I got made fun of alot. I had horrible teeth and I was skinny and awkward and kind of a know-it-all teacher's pet.At home, John's dad made my life a nightmare. I hated coming home. I hated feeling afraid of doing something wrong..and luckily after a year at the most my mom gave up on him, but I still dreaded the weekends when i was forced to go visit with him. I remember how he made me eat everything on my plate and made us all take showers together...something that even at a young age, I knew was wrong and uncomfortable. I never talked to my mom, or when I tried she didn't listen. So I assume that is where I get my listening skills. My brothers progressively got meaner as we got older. This is kind of the time period where the really bad things happened to me that nobody knows about, except you. I started getting really self conscious about my body and my looks. Boys started paying the wrong kind of attention to me..and it made me feel dirty. I wasn't interested in sex..and people lost interest in me because of it. I knew even in my teens that all I really wanted was love. I thought I had that with paul, but really he was the worst possible person I could have met. He was controlling and verbally abusive and made me do horribly uncomfortable things. I remember feeling so low one night that I packed up all my things and planned on running away from him so he couldn't find me. He never supported my dream of acting or modeling because he simply didn't think I was good enough like everyone else. That's all I ever heard, that I wasn't good enough..or I didn't do things well enough. It was frustrating..
I went to live with my dad shortly after because my mom felt she couldnt deal with me anymore and wanted to teach me a lesson. I thought living in california would be great but it turned out to be a nightmare. I took care of a lot of children and watched my dad and kim fight. The night she had a baby (one of many) the got in a fight and he gave her a black eye. It was terrifying and I understood why my mom didn't want us around him. My parents arranged aflight for me the next day and I had to sneak out of the house to get to the airport..angelica drove the getaway car. She really likes telling that story.
 
Anyways when I got back I got a new job and worked hard to buy a car. I have always been a boyfriend girl so I thought i needed one. Ryan and I had been friends for a long time and went out one day. It turned into that only because it felt comfortable. I knew it wasn't what I really wanted and I felt bad for settling. i was irritated by the sound of his voice alot of the time.
 
The point is I have always needed someone....I have never really been motivated to do things on my own as you know..and that hasn't been something I recognized until now. I haven't lived for myself in so long that I don't really know what to do with myself. I enjoy company, I enjoy love, I enjoy you.
 
I met you and I knew right away that it would be a serious thing. I wanted you to like me so bad but I was scared that I had too much baggage or I was too weird or something but I tried anyways. I never dreamt we would fall inlove so easily and fast. I was really insecure about my situation and how much further you were...which has always really been a problem..and I hated thinking of you making some other girl happy. I had to keep you. I had to make you mine forever. In this I got so carried away with every detail that didn't matter and I hurt you because of it. I can't ever rewind and take it back or make it up to you but I am sorry for ever taking any part of you for granted.
 
After this week of being without you, many things have crossed my mind ranging from things I could have done to things I will be doing. I told you I found that lady to talk to and I am actually very excited about it... I am excited to feel acceptance within myself...to know that I have normal problems and to fix some of the damage that other people have inflicted on me without my permission. I am excited to be me at my full potential...to wake up in the morning and be okay with throwing on some clothes and just simply being me. I can't wait to be relieved of the weight and pressure I feel everyday.. so that I can start enjoying life the way its meant to be.
 
And with that comes you....You have given me fair amount of chances to fix things and try harder for you and I have blown them. To ask you for anymore would be unfair and I hate that. The problem is that I know that no matter how gratified I feel as a human being, I hurt you and I messed a lot of things up with us, and I feel like I will keep that with me forever. My love, my sweet nurturing Eric. My other half that pulled me through so many things and otu of so many situations. The arms I craved to feel around me every second of the day.. the true love of my life.
 
If I could live all over again I would have met you sooner and loved you more passionately...because thats what you deserve. I have hurt you because of my own insecurities. There is nothing wrong with you..I don't have any explanation for my meanness. If I never get another chance to tell you what I honestly think of you, here it is....
 
You were my light at the end of a very long tunnel and I wasn't ready to meet you. I was unknowledgeable of true love and relationships and I took you for granted because I didn't realize what I had. You embraced me with your love and consoled me anytime I needed with your endless amount of compassion. You loved me fiercely...in a way that you only read about..but also in an honest, real way and I loved  you. I loved your gentle eyes as they memorized everything about me. I loved your kind smile. I loved your free-spirit and freedom of life. You know those movies where the depressed and numb guy meets the fiesty free spirit stranger? That was me...the depressed numb guy. I hope this is making sense. 
 
Anyways my point is, I hold on so tightly because you are my life and I if I lose my life, I have nothing left. I promise to cherish every second of our lives...to enjoy every minute of even holding your hand...to do my very best to be happy and live the way God meant for us too. After today, I feel like time is ticking for all of us. I never expected this to happen to us but it did and we can't make it go away. I told you earlier I want to learn something from this...all of it. I want to understand why these things happen, but the funny thing is, I already know the meaning. I am guilty of living each day in anxiety and unappreciation..and it takes away from us and you and me. I always think of how I don't know what I would do if something terrible happened to one of us, like what a huge open wound it would leave behind. If i die tomorrow, I want every single one of my family members and my handful of friends...and you, to know how much you mean to me and how much I really cared.
 
Ii don't really know why I wrote this to you...I guess I just wanted to reaffirm what you already know..and to thank you for being you. Flaws and all, I'll take you..and keep you forever...because you are my light at the end of every tunnel and my other half.
I know I have done nearly irrepairable damage to us, and to you and myself, but I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I am not going to therapy for you. I am going so that I can enjoy life once again and find happiness within myself...and once youre happy with yourself, everything else just seems to come together.
 
I pray that we can come together again someday. I know we can't be together now, but I know that is what we both want. I beg you to consider.