brendareep's Journal

I am so discouraged about any hope.  I can hear the devil in my head constantly telling me that I am worthless and that nothing is ever going to get better, that everyone would be better off without me and that I will never get better.  When I try to counter that with logical talk that these thoughts are just garbage and that it isn't true, I just hear more of it, and louder.  I can just picture Satan screaming at the top of his lungs next to me, trying to destroy me.

That being said, I really feel worthless.  I am tired of being told that I am spoiled and unappreciative.  I am tired of fighting my feelings and trying to be happy, gracious and grateful just because I have a nice life.  I hate that I feel so miserable inside even though I have beautiful children and a nice home.  Maybe I AM just ungrateful and lazy.

I wish it were that easy.  My daughter-in-law came over and talked about how hard they are working to fix up their basement after they were flooded out.  They have asked me to watch their kids, which I do all the time.  They come over and eat, which is what you should do at "grandpa's" house.  But they never stop to see if I need anything.  I am just the "step" grandma, and I am always the one doing all the babysitting.  I'm losing it!  I'm falling apart.

My neighbors keep away from me because I am the unstable crazy lady.  If I am not giving them all the music they want, and serving them to exhaustion, then I am not worth their time.  If I were in a wheelchair, or dying of cancer, then they would be all over me.  But because I have a disease that makes me appear that I am just an ornery, unstable, unpredictable slob, they won't do anything to help me out.  I know that I have not asked anyone for any help.  Probably no one knows I am suffering right now, because I won't tell anyone.

But I do ask God for help.  And because I am getting worse, I feel like that even God is turning away from me and rejecting me.  I know God doesn't reject us, we reject Him.  But I really need to collapse and let someone else do.  I have nothing left.  I am walking dead.  I cannot even cry anymore.  I feel like an old toy whose batteries have worn out, but because the batteries are "Energizer" they keep going and going and going - on their own will without my cooperation or consent - kind of like the "Day-o" scene in "Beetlejuice" where all the guests around the table were possessed with spirits and their bodies started dancing to "daylight come and me wanna go home" on their own without their cooperation.  My body is just going through the motions without me even doing anything about it.

I'm tired and i just wanna quit.  I don't want to feel anymore, I dont want to hurt any more, I don't want to fight any more.  I am done.  I am done.  I am done.  I am done.  I am done.  Oh God please help me.

Ah, turn me not away, receive me tho unworthy.

Hear Thou my cry, behold, Lord, my distress.

Thy pity show in my deep anguish.

Let not the sword of vengeance smite me,

tho righteous Thine anger oh Lord.

Shield me from danger, oh regard me.

On Thee, Lord alone will I call.

O divine Redeemer. I pray Thee grant me pardon and remember not, Oh Lord, my sins.

Save, in the day of retribution

From death shield Thou me, oh my God.

O divine Redeemer, have mercy.

Help me my Savior.