Journal

I just dropped my college class.  I'm dropping out of the program.  I cannot do it anymore.  I thought that I could handle it, but I can't.  I don't want to be stuck writing papers and posting 3000 word discussion posts every week for another year.  I guess I wasn't cut out to have my Masters' Degree.  I feel like a total failure.  My husband has his masters' and he got it really easy in one year, and he's an idiot!  Why can't I do it?!

I feel like I should stop trying to be something, and surrender to the family destiny of living on bipolar and schizophrenic meds and living in a rest home at age 67 - like my aunt.  My sisters didn't have it half as bad as I did and some of them are in drug rehab and recovering from attempted suicides and completely non-religious and living on psych meds and everything.

Why do I keep trying to be successful and social and functional?  I keep trying, but I never succeed.  I cannot take it anymore.

I am so discouraged about any hope.  I can hear the devil in my head constantly telling me that I am worthless and that nothing is ever going to get better, that everyone would be better off without me and that I will never get better.  When I try to counter that with logical talk that these thoughts are just garbage and that it isn't true, I just hear more of it, and louder.  I can just picture Satan screaming at the top of his lungs next to me, trying to destroy me.

That being said, I really feel worthless.  I am tired of being told that I am spoiled and unappreciative.  I am tired of fighting my feelings and trying to be happy, gracious and grateful just because I have a nice life.  I hate that I feel so miserable inside even though I have beautiful children and a nice home.  Maybe I AM just ungrateful and lazy.

I wish it were that easy.  My daughter-in-law came over and talked about how hard they are working to fix up their basement after they were flooded out.  They have asked me to watch their kids, which I do all the time.  They come over and eat, which is what you should do at "grandpa's" house.  But they never stop to see if I need anything.  I am just the "step" grandma, and I am always the one doing all the babysitting.  I'm losing it!  I'm falling apart.

My neighbors keep away from me because I am the unstable crazy lady.  If I am not giving them all the music they want, and serving them to exhaustion, then I am not worth their time.  If I were in a wheelchair, or dying of cancer, then they would be all over me.  But because I have a disease that makes me appear that I am just an ornery, unstable, unpredictable slob, they won't do anything to help me out.  I know that I have not asked anyone for any help.  Probably no one knows I am suffering right now, because I won't tell anyone.

But I do ask God for help.  And because I am getting worse, I feel like that even God is turning away from me and rejecting me.  I know God doesn't reject us, we reject Him.  But I really need to collapse and let someone else do.  I have nothing left.  I am walking dead.  I cannot even cry anymore.  I feel like an old toy whose batteries have worn out, but because the batteries are "Energizer" they keep going and going and going - on their own will without my cooperation or consent - kind of like the "Day-o" scene in "Beetlejuice" where all the guests around the table were possessed with spirits and their bodies started dancing to "daylight come and me wanna go home" on their own without their cooperation.  My body is just going through the motions without me even doing anything about it.

I'm tired and i just wanna quit.  I don't want to feel anymore, I dont want to hurt any more, I don't want to fight any more.  I am done.  I am done.  I am done.  I am done.  I am done.  Oh God please help me.

Ah, turn me not away, receive me tho unworthy.

Hear Thou my cry, behold, Lord, my distress.

Thy pity show in my deep anguish.

Let not the sword of vengeance smite me,

tho righteous Thine anger oh Lord.

Shield me from danger, oh regard me.

On Thee, Lord alone will I call.

O divine Redeemer. I pray Thee grant me pardon and remember not, Oh Lord, my sins.

Save, in the day of retribution

From death shield Thou me, oh my God.

O divine Redeemer, have mercy.

Help me my Savior.

I cannot believe it!

I woke up this morning from a dream.  I was teaching choir and my students were all singing "Born to Hand Jive, Baby" from Grease and they were doing this awesome hand jive choreography.  When I woke up, I jumped out of bed and got dressed and felt like working.  So, today was my first day at the school since school let out on May 22.  I put away music and made plans to fix the costume closet and finish my keyboards shelf.  I was happy.

Just yesterday, I wanted to kill myself, and now this morning, I am happy, alive, energetic and ambitious.  I don't understand it.  Today feels like my normal self.  I am happy today, too.  I want to stay this way.  I stopped taking the Lithium and maybe now my thyroid can function better.

I have been dreaming of my dad and my husband the past couple of days, too.  I wonder if my dreams are working things out for me, like they are supposed to.  I am not analyzing my dreams, I am just ignoring them.  I hope this good feeling lasts for a while.  I don't want to overdo it, but I have to fight back a sneaking suspicion that it is just manic behavior and I am headed for another low.

I don't care.  I will take this as far as I can.