Journal

So, losing Conner has shown me how delicate a human life is. Throughout this pregnancy my number one fear has been losing this child while either in womb or during delivery. I know after I deliver i'll be nervous about my baby passing away before age one. I hate living in fear every single day!!! My other fear is what if I die during labor/delivery? Or even right after? Then i'll have two children with no mom. My 3 year old will have lost his dad, brother, and mom if that happens! That just CANNOT happen *thud* ugh... I'm freaking out...

How do you deal with the anxiety of losing a new baby?

How can I calm the anxiety and fear that occurs EVERY day?

I'm pregnant. I'm about 10-12 weeks along. It's all estimating since I have yet to have a "normal" cycle. I was nursing my baby Conner until the end of Feb when he passed away. Everything was supposed to go back to normal a month later... but apparently... i'm preggo. Now, this shouldnt shock me considering i'm not on birth control, but yeah... I have such mixed feelings about it all. I'm so excited because i will be turning a new page and starting a new chapter, but i'm so confused and scared at the same time. I dont want my family to think that i'm "replacing" Conner. I'm also scared that if i'm having a boy, i'll look at him when I deliver and totally freak out due to him reminding me of Conner. I'm scared for Landon, my 2 year old, because I'm not sure if he's healed completely. Landon still talks about Conner and reminds me that he's in heaven... *sigh*

I told my mom about me being pregnant almost the moment i found out and she got extremely upset. I ended up moving out of her house a couple weeks ago and left my maternity clothes there with hopes that I could pick them up (along with a few other things) later down the line. Apparently she took all of my maternity clothes to the Salvation Army. My dad seems to be ok with the idea. He's happy for me as long as i'm happy.

Anyhow... other than that, things are going aok... *thud*

I am pretty much forcing myself to get out there and socialize again. I signed my 2 year old up for swim lessons. He's been in the water since he was 3 months old. Oh my gosh, I took my baby Conner in the water a week after he turned three weeks... He abosolutely hated it!!! hehehe. I can only laugh because he and his brother, blood brothers, were sooo different!! Landon (2 years old) was such a picky drinker when he was a baby. There was only ONE formula for him and ONE bottle for him. Conner on the other hand loved to eat anything! (well, breast milk and he was starting on rice cereal before he passed away)... He loved rice cereal mixed with formula, and any baby juice hehehe. I always thought he would grow up to be bigger than his bigger brother!!

So, what got me to thinking about Conner and these funny memories was this sweet baby at my son's swim lesson. She was 6 months old and had the biggest blue eyes! Conner's eyes were the biggest brown eyes ever. He always looked up at me like I was the most important person ever. *sigh with smile* I conversed with the baby's mom just thinking about how lucky she was to have her baby with her. Anyhow.... today was aok in comparrison to most days.