Micko9's Journal

 So today was the day. I guess in someways it is for the best. I did what I needed to do and I feel mixed about it.

I don't feel like me, I feel like what I did the past 2 months was wrong and it only made things worse. I should be happy bc I am getting ready to go back to school, but right now I just don't want to do anything. I got a message from D and well, we have come to an end. I think this is what is "best", but at the same time I still feel like Shit. I feel like I could of tried harder to do things for her and to make things not be so hard on us. Yes it was a "relationship" and it takes two people, but I still can't help but feel bad. She asked me to be there, to help...and I did. But then she still continued to give me Shit for things. How I couldn't stay up and talk, how I was here and she was there, how I "pushed" her away and out of my life, how it was my fault. Maybe she is right, maybe I did Fucked up the one good thing I had. I still hope that we can maybe one day talk about this summer, but as of right now..we need to just end it.

I feel a little better then I did ealier. I know that I should get help, but I don't want to. I know what he will say. He'll want to put me on meds, bc they will help and maybe they will. But I don't want to have to take a pill to feel better..I am stronger then it, I want to beat it.

I know that it is still not over and prob never will. I will always have this in my mind and heart. It will come back when I get to school and people will ask "what happened?". I wish I could tell them what happened, but I promised D I wouldn't tell them about it. That I wouldn't be the one to give them the news about her. It is her life, and she choices who knows about it.

I havn't really ate, had a PBJ and some Mt. Dew. I am prob not going to be able to sleep and I don't know if I will get what I need to get done tomorrow. I have to still do my laundry, write my paper, work on my laptop and go to the UPS store.

Thanks for all those who have helped these last few weeks. Its kind of funny...I came here to help her, to learn more about how to help my friend....and in the end I am the one needing help.

-Mick Out