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Micko9 
12:57am, October 9, 2009
So this is prob been one of the hardest weeks of my life and its just hit the wall....I sit outside and see eveyone else. They all have their "clicks" "crews" "friends" and there is me. Sitting on the bench by himself..with his iPod, losing the fight, loseing himself in the music....they don't make stuff for this SHIT!!!!!
I can't take it anymore. I can deal with all this Shit inside anymore, and need to find some way for it all to go away. I just want all this Pain to go away...I want it to end. I want to feel like me again, like i belong, that i have something to live for.
It all just left and decied to finally hit me with it. I just can do This....I want to stop this Pain, want it to go away...all this stuff in my head. I want it to leave...
I want to take my pills, finish my bottle, take whatever else i can find and End it all, End this Pain that i have, all this pain that i cause the peole I love, i want to just go away, maybe then they will be Happy. They can go on and live their lives better and they can fianlly be Happy.
I'm Sorry for all that i did to you D. I'm sorry i wasn't there when you needed me. Sorry i was think about me and not you, that i couldn't put myself through saying "Good-bye" again...guess i'm doing it now. I hope that things work out for you. I Love You and nothing will ever change that. You will always have a place in my heart.
My frends, hope you guys follow your dreams and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do anything. You guys have so much to give to this world...Yes its Fucked up, but you can help make it better....just don't Miss me to much.
I just can't do this...I can continue to live with all this Pain inside...i need to get it out and end it. It wasn't suppose to be this way, things were suppose to be better. I was suppose to be Happy, not Sad.....
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So today was a good day that turned better.
I have a nice AIM convo with my friend D. Things are looking good for her and I feel good for once, its been a long time.
She got into a Sweet program for school, she is moving out of her house and in with a few friends, she got a job at the hospital, and family life is getting better.
Things with us on going good to. I think she finally gets this summer and is just looking a head at what she has and not at the past. We talked about us and how the summer went. She knows why things happened now and why we can't be...a couple.
We are working on our friendship and i know its going to take time, but its worth it. She still means alot to me and nothing will change that. She'll always be in my heart and I'm going to continue to help her if I can.
I got my new HP laptop, bough it with my money from work...I needed a new one. I love it and I'm getting use to typing on it. Just can't wait for Windows 7 to come out :)
Also..in one week, I'll be "Home" lol. I move back into school next Tuesday. Its going to be different. Alot of my friends moved on in life and i don't know what this year has in store for me.
Will I find someone new? Is she there and I don't know it yet? Will I see my friends from school again? Am I going to be ok.
I call it home, bc i only spend 2 months at my parent's house and when I'm at school, I can be me. I don't have to worry about things and I can foucs on Me. I am also around ppl who get me and know what I am going through.
Well its almost 4am, time for bed. Thanks for reading and caring. Hope you had a good day. TTYS
-Mick Ouy
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Past Entries
| August 2009 |
Wednesday, 8/05
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July 2009 |
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Sunday, 7/26
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Sunday, 7/26
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Tuesday, 7/14
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Sunday, 7/05
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June 2009 |
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Tuesday, 6/30
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Sunday, 6/28
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Thursday, 6/25
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Thursday, 6/25
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Hi Mick! I'm so glad to hear this!! It really sounds like you have been able to sort things out on your terms, and maintain the relationship. I bet you'll find that over time, your friendship will have been strengthened. :) (I'm glad to hear D is doing much better too - she has had a rough go!)
Enjoy this time of your life when you get to revel in 'what's next'? I remember how much the world became my own when I was 23, and soaked up all the experience and opportunities I could. Before you know it, you'll meet Ms. Right, and will create a life that becomes bigger than you. In the meantime, get to really know who you are and the rest of your life will follow suit. ;-)
...and, congrats on the new laptop. I'm a gadget geek, so I know how fun a new toy can be!
flunkiejunkie
So, I don't know what happened but my response to you just disappeared so I will try again. Hey Mick, Alot of things changed, but you still have your good spirit to guide you. You and I must suffer from detachment issues because if a situation changes where a friend leaves for awhile, I'm like the old dog at the door wailing in sadness. The old addage that time heals all is so true but when I'm down shit like that doesn't come to mind I am just sick about it and one day it's better. So,. if I was there with you, we'd be out walking and talking and doing whatever made you happy at the time. You are expressive about your feelings and I appreciate that because I think you have a handle on who you are. So many people just fuckin drag through life as if someone else is responsible for their happiness ( OK, I get like that, also) but for the most part I just get through it and something good comes from it, nothing that I had hoped for, just something that the gods om the other side sent over to make things more tolerable. Glad you are getting settled in and also enjoying the new computer. We'll talk later, best wishes to you Mick! Chris (phxlite@msn.com) Jurassic13
Jurassic13