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sheira 
2:27pm, November 14, 2009
Well the judge made his ruling yesterday in our custody case. He awarded us primary residence and his mom gets to see him every other weekend and half of the holidays. I should be happy, but I am not. A part of me was hoping that the ruling would be in her favor....although I knew that that would not ever be a possibility because of how badly she has fucked up over the years. I just feel that my life would be so much easier without him in it. How awful is that? I never thought I could feel so badly towards a child....but guess what...I can. I feel like an awful person and an awful mother. But yet I can not stop the feelings of resentment and disgust.
This would not be so bad, I'm sure, if my husband refrained from sharing his bad feeling with me. Everytime he is mad at the kid he vents to me about how much of an asshole he is and he wonders why he even fights for him at all.
Anyway....we sat my ss down tonight and explained the situation to him. He looked like he was going to cry. You could tell he was expecting to go back to his mom and be rid of us. That pissed me off and made me sad for him at the same time. What must that kid be going through? If I didn't have my own children to worry about in this situation, I am sure I would be more sympathetic with him. I know it's hard on him, but when he takes it out on my family, particularly my kids, it is hard for me to show him any kind of compassion at all.
Lately I have been thinking that it would all be better if I just left my husband. I hate thinking that way. But what else is there to do????? This kid and his mom and his grandmother are making it impossible to live a normal life. It is not fair to my children!!!!! I am positive that now that we have the custody on paper his mom and grandma are going to be very mad. They will try everything and anything to get that power back. They have already advised him to call social services on us and say that we abuse him. Which he has already done once, when his mom kidnapped him from us. I don't know how to handle it if he does this and causes problems with the rest of my kids.
I have to quit thinking about this now, I am shaking inside. I need to relax.
Till next time.....
Comments
Sounds like you are very upset over this issue. I do hope you haven't left your husband. Does your ss want to go live with his mom? I would find that hard to believe if you and your husband offer him a more stable living environment. You are not a bad person you are only tired on fighting the same fight over and over. Somtimes I wish my grandsons didn't live with us but I know it's only because when i come home from work I would like to relax and I can't because there is to much that needs done. From your previous journal you have your hands full too. Hope you are feeling better. How are things going now? Try to keep it together. Ok..
bluemesamom