Journal

Well the judge made his ruling yesterday in our custody case.  He awarded us primary residence and his mom gets to see him every other weekend and half of the holidays.  I should be happy, but I am not.  A part of me was hoping that the ruling would be in her favor....although I knew that that would not ever be a possibility because of how badly she has fucked up over the years.  I just feel that my life would be so much easier without him in it.  How awful is that?  I never thought I could feel so badly towards a child....but guess what...I can.  I feel like an awful person and an awful mother.  But yet I can not stop the feelings of resentment and disgust.

This would not be so bad, I'm sure, if my husband refrained from sharing his bad feeling with me.  Everytime he is mad at the kid he vents to me about how much of an asshole he is and he wonders why he even fights for him at all.

Anyway....we sat my ss down tonight and explained the situation to him.  He looked like he was going to cry.  You could tell he was expecting to go back to his mom and be rid of us.  That pissed me off and made me sad for him at the same time.  What must that kid be going through?  If I didn't have my own children to worry about in this situation, I am sure I would be more sympathetic with him.  I know it's hard on him, but when he takes it out on my family, particularly my kids, it is hard for me to show him any kind of compassion at all.

Lately I have been thinking that it would all be better if I just left my husband.  I hate thinking that way.  But what else is there to do?????  This kid and his mom and his grandmother are making it impossible to live a normal life.  It is not fair to my children!!!!!  I am positive that now that we have the custody on paper his mom and grandma are going to be very mad.  They will try everything and anything to get that power back.  They have already advised him to call social services on us and say that we abuse him.  Which he has already done once, when his mom kidnapped him from us.  I don't know how to handle it if he does this and causes problems with the rest of my kids.

I have to quit thinking about this now, I am shaking inside.  I need to relax.

Till next time.....

My husband and I do nothing but fight lately.  The stresses in our life are getting to us both way to badly.  The biggest thing for my frustration lately is that he WILL NOT wake up with the baby.  I work monday - friday while he is on "parental leave".  I even take the kids to the sitters on monday and friday to give him time to do the stuff he wants to get done around the house.  My baby was sick for the last week and a half, awake every hour at least throughout the night.....I had to wake up with him EVERY TIME!!!!  Then my husband complains to me in the mornings that he got no sleep the night before.  Yet he doesn't know that the baby was up so much.  If you didn't get any sleep then how the hell did you sleep through a sick baby freaking out in the middle of the night over and over again????? 

I asked him last night if I could sleep in this morning.  He was all sweet and said "of course babe".  After waking up twice with the baby @ 1am and 5am, the kids wake up at 6:30am.  He wakes up and tells me "uuggh! I didn't sleep at all last night, I kept having shitty dreams"...then rolls over and goes back to sleep.  So much for letting me sleep in.

I am so worn out I am sick all the time with either a cold or flu, I don't know the last time I felt "healthy".  But he just doesn't seem to care at all!

My other beef is with him and his son.  His son doesn't want to live with us at all.  He even tried pulling the social services move, and told the workers that he was being abused in our home.  Now we are in a custody battle with his crack head mother...and all I can think of is "is it worth it?"  I need answers

Oh my, this situation has got me all in knots, I think I need a massage.  We have to go back to court to get full custody of my step son......again.  His mom is a drug addict, alcoholic, bi-polar, you name it....bitch.  Everytime she has a "reality" moment and realizes that she has a son, she decides to fight us in court to prove that she is a good mom.  You'd think she would learn by now.  You'd also think it would be a hands down competition as she just kidnapped him from the school a couple of weeks ago and took him out of province......he has since been returned to us.  But no, she takes him into Social Services and coaches him to make a complain against his father and I and say that we are child abuser.  WTF!!!!!  I would never lay a hand on my children.  We are good parents and to "coach" a child into making those false allegations is ludacris and detrimental to his mental health.  Anyway, that was her way of knocking us down a size in front of the judge.  I am so worried.  What if the government believes this and tries to take away all of my children?????  This is a bit more than I signed up for by marrying my husband.  

So our lawyer papers have to be drawn up tomorrow for our court date on October 1st.  Can't wait to hear her retalliation against our affidavit.  When will all of this end?????  never I bet.....am I strong enough for that though?  hmmmmmm.