MyBest's Journal

I spend a fair amount of time wondering about something. I wonder why some people become addicts and some don't. I tried cocaine when I met my huband. I actually did it with him lots of times. For a period of about 3 years. At some point during that time, I remember thinking "oh my god, what if I become a drug addict?" and I said "well then that's what I'll be. Who cares? Am I going to get some kind of prize for NOT being a drug addict?" But the truth is *I* care. It started to gross me out. I would look forward to it in some ways and dread it in others. I couldn't wait until the evenings would wind down. I loved the nights we didn't do it. I am just one crappy drug addict. Thank God. One day we talked about quitting--something he always said that he would "someday" do. We said to each other that we were ready and for me that was it. I craved it a little when I drank for a few fleeting moments at first. But even after 3 years of using it 1 - 6 times a week, I just walked away. No sweat. And I feel completely confident that I will not go back. I have no need, no curiosity, no interest. And here he is 20-25 years after he messed around with it as a hot-shot young athlete. His body has been broken by it, his life immeasurably changed and he struggles daily with the need for it and the need to stay away.

For me, I can say that I was not angry enough to continue doing something that I could feel was so damaging to my self. I don't know if he did/does it from anger. I am not implying that anger motivates drug use for other people. But I can clearly say for me that a lack of being angry kept me from going on. I wonder if there are biological factors? Emotional tendencies? Genetics? I don't really need an answer or I would probably have looked for one by now. I just wonder. I wonder why I was somehow safe from the monster that has him in its claws. It isn't fair. He did nothing worse than what I did.