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cynthiadean 
For over ten years now since my husband died I have felt only guilt and anger but not anymore. Yesterday we would have been married for 21 years and it hit me how much I still miss him even if he was a fucking shit to me the last 7 years of our marriage there were some really good times, so Im going to start remembering those times instead of all the bads times and try to forgive him for myself so I can get better.
For anyone or reads this, these are the things I miss about Andy:
I miss the way he asked me out then took it back incase I refused him
I miss the way he kissed me the first time it felt so sweet even if we were in a room full of people and someone told my mom.
I miss the fact he had the nerve to ask my mom if it was ok to ask me out and if you knew my mom that would be hard.
I miss our first date he was so nervous he couldnt talk
I miss the way he use to brush my hair for hours at a time
I miss the way we made love for the first time and it only got better over the years.
I miss the way he looked at me when I told him we were having our first baby
I miss the way he stayed with me all the time I was giving birth to our son and how how looked when Mark was born.
I miss the way he laughed when they said we were having twins, nothing was to hard for him
I miss that he stayed with me during the girls being born and how proud he was to have 2 lovely daughters
I miss that he got up everynight 2 times to feed the girls and still go to work in the morning.
I miss how he use to call me sexy when I got dressed up to go out.
Then things started going wrong and over the time I forgot all these things I miss so much, but even when it was really bad I still loved him and wanted him and we still made love and at those times had the old Andy back who I miss.
So for my kids and me Im going to start remembering all the good times so I can move on, and stop feeling guilt and anger because Im only hurting myself so when I feel like that Im going to read this journal.
So anyone who reads this I hope you liked Andy if just a little bit, because I miss him and I never got to say goodbye to him.
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I really dont know whats a matter with me at the moment, I feel really low and all I feel like doing is crying my eyes out. I self harmed yesterday, I cut my self on my chest, with a razor, but I didnt get any relief from it, so I want to do it again today. Im trying really hard not to think about it, I have tried reading, but I just cant stop thinking about doing it.
Comments
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Really sorry you feel so bad and you cut yesterday, I hope you dont today, im here if you need to chat or anything....share your problems with me, BIG HUGS.....
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I hope you don't cut anymore, I'm sorry you feel you need to, but please don't. Too many people care about what you do! When ever I get the urge to cut I get a rubber band and snap it around my wrist, it helps with the pain the more often you do it and it won't be hurting yourself! Please try it and see what happens!!!
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Im sorry that you felt that you had to do that but i do understand that you have to be in a lot of pain todo it im here if you wont to chat im sorry i had no idear that you felt that bad i hope that you feel better soon lots and lots of lov a friend.xxx.
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hugs xxx try as hard as you can to distract yourself..with a good dvd maybe, or book, or take a bath and relax ...
hugs.x
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oh - and when you feel the urge to self-harm - think about the scars that will be left on your body for weeks,months,years - perhaps for ever. xxx that sometimes deters me from cutting myself.
xx
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Would seeing a counselor help?
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Don't slice'n'dice your wrist, and it's good you didn't do it again. Try to find a stress reliever or hobby or activity you can do o take your mind off your problems.
Past Entries
| July 2009 |
Monday, 7/06
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June 2009 |
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Wednesday, 6/24
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Wednesday, 6/24
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Good memories are things you should hold onto....im glad you wrote this, just keep strong, you are beginning to get onto your feet with the open university course, here for you. ALWAYS......
ShazzerInc
OH Honey, it's great that you are remembering the good times. It's a start to healing. If you ever need to talk, you know where I am. Even if I do show offline. Lots of love and hugs.
audrey
HappierDaysofSnow
Its really great! It are the good times you have to remember, and the bad times that you havr to forget. I know how hard that can be. I tend to do it the other way around. So I'm really glad you wrote this and I hope you can finally start healing!
CupOfTea696
Well done ,im pleased you can begin to se a fuller picture of your time with Andy hugs
Karl42
Aww your memories are so beautiful hun. Keep strong and keep remembering the good times. No one can take them away from you. Your a very strong person always remember that. Big hugs x
stix24
This is so heartfelt and moving! Andy sounds like a nice chap. You must let the anger go and try to find inner peace. Your children need a happy,healthy mother! Life's too short to be miserable.
asadheart
Hey Cynthia....Andy must have been a pretty decent guy, and I understand how much you miss him. Hold on to all the good memories, and cherish them for the rest of your life. I'm always here if you need me. *Hugs*
Sabrina
Sabrina15
You inspire me .. friend .. to try to be a better person too .. yes .. even with the bad .. there are good memories .. please .. hold on to these treasures .. Huge hugz for you .. my friend .. Ray
Raynow
Thanks for sharing those memories with us all cynthia. I am so glad to see your ready to move forward. We shall talk soon. Hugs
mardiman