Im not doing it anymore.
November 4, 2009 7:58am
For over ten years now since my husband died I have felt only guilt and anger but not anymore. Yesterday we would have been married for 21 years and …
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About Me
cynthiadean
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About Me
Hope you all like my new profile pic, got fed up looking at me at 18. I live with my partner of nine years, who is very understanding of my problems. My first husband died ten years ago, who I had three children with, a son who is 20 and is in the Royal Air Force, I miss him alot, but he loves the job and its nice when he comes home. I have twin daughters who are 18 and both go to college, we have two lovely dogs called cookie and cocoa. I have been self harming now for about four years. I have been getting treatment for about three and half years, I am on three lots of tablets, which I think I need reviewing because their dont seem to be helping me any more, my depression as come back, I hate going out of the house, I have not been anywhere without my partner for over two years. I think every day abouy harming, I have cut my self with razors on my chest and stomach three times, and cut my hair once in the last three weeks, I used to get relief after harming but I my not getting that any more.
Hope you all like my new profile pic, got fed up looking at me at 18. I live with my partner of nine years, who is very understanding of my problems. My first husband died ten years ago, who I had three children with, a son who is 20 and is in the Royal Air Force, I miss him alot, but he loves the job and its nice when he comes home. I have twin daughters who are 18 and both go to college, we have two lovely dogs called cookie and cocoa. I have been self harming now for about four years. I have been
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Interests
I have started reading again after my daughter nagged me to read twilight, which I loved and read the other three books. I enjoy going to the cinema and going for a meal afterwards with my family. We all love to go bowling, which Im not to bad at.
I have started reading again after my daughter nagged me to read twilight, which I loved and read the
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Recent Activity
Recently:
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17 hugs received, 11 hugs given, 1 journal post
Today
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cynthiadean updated their status 4:35pm
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cynthiadean updated their status 4:34pm
my daughter won a goldfish at the fair last night, -- me came downstairs...…
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cynthiadean changed their mood to Bad 4:34pm
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cynthiadean gave sqwidge flowers 4:29pm
Hi babe hope everything is ok with you?, and that all your family are good. Thanks for the hug it means…
Yesterday
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cynthiadean and kelsod are now friends 3:16pm
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Journal
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This entry is private
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Dont know whats a matter with me.
July 26, 2009 10:24am
I really dont know whats a matter with me at the moment, I feel really low and all I feel like doing is crying my eyes out. I self harmed yesterday, …
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I am angry with myself.
July 6, 2009 11:59am
I wake up every morning , and the first thing I feel like doing is crying my eyes out.I dont feel like doing anything, I cant even be bothered to …
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I feel so ashamed, but cant stop,need advise.
June 24, 2009 11:37am
I am forty years old and reaching out for any help or advise, any one can give me. I started self harming about four years ago, it started …
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Hugbook
Hug
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE VICTORIA AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CALGARY .
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY .'
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLYGIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,
'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL ANd ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CALGARY
Hug
HUGS, sorry you are down, whats up?
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Miss You
just saying hi i will message you to catch up say hi to the family and i hope that you are ok take care babe im never to far away lots of love a friend.xxx.
Get Well Soon!
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha
Hug
hi x x x
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Photos
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Goals
Progress
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Goal End Date is Apr 25, 10 168 more days.Current Weight (Lbs)249 -
Support Groups
Close Self-Injury
i have been self harming now for 4 years sometimes it gets better, but when it comes back it feels ten times worse, and i think it might keep talking to other people like myself, who understand what it feels like to self ham.
Treatments
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- still on going,sometimes it helps,but other times it makes me feel worse.
- Rubber Bands Working / Worked
- tried it for a while but it did not help.
- Talking Working / Worked
- i some times talk to my partner, or my family, but i feel that it upsets them, which makes me feel worse about myself, so i feel like self harming again.
Close Physical & Emotional Abuse
My late husband was both Physical and Emotional abusive towards me, nearly all of ou marriage. H as been dead now for 10 years, and Im still angry at him.
Treatments
- Talking Working / Worked
- It helps at the time, but when I think of him lately Im so angry.
Open Depression
Type: Clinical (Major) DepressionI have suffered with depression that long, I cant rembemer when it first started, I just know it as got alot worse over the last 10 years
Treatments
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Working / Worked
- It just didnt work for me
- Positive Thinking Working / Worked
- Its hard to think postive when you are depressed
- Prozac Working / Worked
- It worked for awhile but my depression just got worse.
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- My counseller is great, he really helps me, but sometimes after talking I cry alot and I get headaches.
- Support from Friends & Family Working / Worked
- My partner and kids are wonderful they help alot. My outside family are not so understanding, they just think I which pull myself together.
- Writing Working / Worked
- I did keep a journal for awhile, I dont know why I stopped, but will start again one day,
- Zoloft Working / Worked
- It worked for a few years I was on 200mg a day but it just stopped helping so I have not to come of it.
- Remeron Working / Worked
- I have only been on them a couple of weeks so I dont know if they will work Im on 15mg aday.
Open Agoraphobia & Social Anxiety
I hate going out of the house. My worse point was when I didnt go ouy of the house for 3 months. I have not been out of the house without my partner for over 2 years,and then its only when I see my counselor.
Open Insomnia
I have been suffering with Insomnia now for over a year and its just getting worse and is not helping cope with my depression.
Treatments
Open Widows & Widowers
My husband died 10 years ago but still find it hard to deal with at times.
Treatments
- Grief Counseling Working / Worked
- It worked at the time but I still need counseling.
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- Still ongoing it does help sometimes, but at times it makes be feel really down and depressed.
