cheavel's Journal

I've never done anything like this before. But in a way it feels good to really look for a way to help myself.  I have to apologize because this will be rambling and probably long since I've never put any of these feelings into words before.

I've been depressed and on medication for that as well as anxiety attacks (zoloft and xanax) for some time now.  Normally I go through my day and not let anything bother me. I just "take life as it comes", always try to be optimistic, always try to be the peace keeper in the family......  you name it.  Sometimes I feel like a robot.

Normally, I have no feeling at all. I so often feel dead inside. My sex life with my husband is non existant, partly due to the meds but I think also due to me.

I know I've had a problem with depression/ anxiety for many years, but I'm the type that internalizes all my emotions.  When my father in law passed away in 1985, my hands and feet swelled so bad that I couldn't wear shoes or rings for the funeral. I was always the rock, I had to make all the arrangements and notifications. I've always been the rock and the caregiver for my family as well as my husbands side. Not to mention my own kids and husband.

Then I helped care for my mother who was battling brain and lung cancer by taking care of her while my father worked, while at the same time raising 4 small children.  When she died, I spent almost a year of sleepwalking thru my days. I couldn't do anything.  Then I started having stomach problems and throwing up blood. All contributed to stress and internalizing it.

I never did grieve for the loss of either of these people.

Now, for some reason, yesterday and today I've been falling apart. I can't stop crying, I'm shaking, I'm losing it!!... I don't know how to cope.

I had to deal with my husband being out of work for over 6 months in 2007 on work comp which meant only a portion of his pay was coming in. But we still had (and still do) 2 grown sons and the fiance of the youngest one living with us. They don't make much money, so there's not much contribution to the household, monetarily or physically. We got into debt (after years of getting ourselves out of it finally) and it's taken me a long time to catch up on everything.  With his work comp settlements we were able to pay off every credit card we own, so that has greatly reduced our monthly payments now, but for the last few months prior to paying them off some of them were late.  Well, my husband is not one to tolerate that, so he is a very unhappy, angry person most of the time.  In fact, he's always been angry and unhappy for the entire course of our marriage.  He's always blamed it on work (he's a plumber and works 24/7 most times) I know he's under a lot of stress with that. But he's also always complaining about the kids and what they do and don't do. About the weather, about the drivers out on the road, you name it, he complains about it.

I really, really wish that I could find a way to make him happy so that when it's just us spending time together, we can enjoy it rather than me having to listen to him rant and rave all the time.

I remember once, many years ago when the kids were small, I had an episode that caused my doctor to want to put me into a facility for a while.  My husband refused, he said he could take care of me at home... I didn't need to be "in a mental institution".  Life never changed. Everything remained the same.

I love him dearly, he does spoil me with material things.... but I want to enjoy his company, enjoy doing things with him and him seem like he's enjoying doing things with me. But so far that doesn't happen often at all.

I really am rambling, arent I?  Sorry.... things just seem to want to pour out and in no particular order.

I sometimes feel like I'm at the very end of my rope, like I have no where to go, I've pretty much cut myself off from any friends I once had.... I don't have anyone to really go to.  I don't get along with my daughter, I haven't really talked to my father since 1998 and he only lives about half an hour away.  I feel like I've given so much over my life that I am so empty and have nothing to give to anyone at all anymore.

I'll shut up for now, I guess.... but I'll be back.  It feels good to get some of this out of my head and onto a place where my husband and kids won't be able to see anything I write.