Journal

That is how I feel - wow.  Things seemed to have turned a corner.  Hubbie and I are getting on great, even making love again and its brilliant, I haven't wanted to for a long long time and then all of a sudden over the last two days I cannot get enough of him!  Since my last journal entry, I don't know it was almost like it was a release of emotion of some sort because ever since then I have been really loved up with him and find him as sexy and as wonderful as always!  How weird.  I have even become alot more confident in myself again and even went for a job interview this week.  It is 2am and I have just woke up with a nightmare and so I thought i would get up and write this.  I have just had a text from my best friend in the whole world to say she may have to move out of the area and so I am gutted, I love her so much and she only lives across the road and I am so scared that once she moves away she won't want to see as much of me and we will drift apart.  She is my rock, my soul mate and I don't want to be without her (Yes if you are reading this T I hope you are taking it in lol).  So it is now her fault I am up at 2am drinking TEA and eating lol.  DO NOT GO ANYWHERE WOMAN!!!!! Ok I know that is not feasible but in dream world you can stay lol. 

O.k.  This is ridiculous and I am not even sure it has much to do with the drinking but I need to write it in my journal as its the only place I know he doesn't read.  I was listening to Peter Andres Behind Closed Doors today and suddenly out of no-where it nearly makes me cry.  Me and my hubbie met in a whirlwind, a fairytale romance, and after all the shit I put up with in the past with my ex my hubbie was my saviour - he was the man I had dreamed of that would worship the ground I walked on and he did, he was everything I could ever have wanted in my fairy tale romance world, he saved me from drowning in the despair I was in.  Tonight suddenly I was overwhelmed with sadness because I realised my perfect wonderful saviour had faults - how dare he, not just the drinking but other things happened after the birth of my son which I don't want to go into as its got nothing to do with the alcohol, or maybe it has I don't know but that to me along with the alcoholism and mood swings , my knight in shining armour has dents!  Like any girl I wanted him to be perfect and love me for me and worship the ground I walked on and .................. now I keep remembering that he did not do that half as much as he was meant to. Then again, he may not have wanted a wife with Post Natal Depression and so I suppose there we go we both have fault.  I would just like to say the alcholism itself is not the problem, that I could cope with it was the lies and moods that came with it that annoyed me and yes o.k. I admit I feel let down.  I know I am a selfish selfish person as on the whole I do have the perfect man but I do not feel that love bubble that I used to.  Trouble is I am a writer and I have all these romantic heroes in my head that unfortunately maybe people just cannot live up to - why?  WHY CAN'T THEY ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

We had the most amazing holiday - I am so glad that we had chats before then because it wouldn't have been half as good.  We had such a good time.  He asked me if he could have the odd pint and I said yes - I told him the truth - I really do not mind him drinking openly in front of me (as long as not getting seriously drunk) its the hiding in the garage drinking behind my back I cannot stand.  He was fine - no mood swings nothing.  I am beginning to think that a couple of pints is fine it is when he is drinking the vodka that he is a moody git.  Anyway I do not think he could of got any as we were together all the times and when we weren't he wouldn't have got to go and get a bottle - he could of had one at pub but if he did then that is up to him.  To my knowledge he is doing really well.  I am really proud.  I did tell him before we came home that if he did start going out sneakly buying vodka I would be furious, we have absolutely no money as he has been redundant since March and any savings we had has gone so we are now both desperately job hunting.  If he spent the money that we now dont have I would never forgive him.  I am tired of it all, so so tired.  So many things I wanted to run away from on holiday.  We even stayed on a few extra days, couldn't afford it but I did not want to come home.  I wanted to leave my worries at home and it worked, I didn't want to come home!  I worry about him drinking again, I am sick of bottle counting and sniffing and waiting to catch him out and the thought of him drinking etc, I am sick of the fact my mother is bed ridden after a stroke (but she did not have to be bed ridden as she was doing o.k. but took to her bed two years ago), I worry about my dad as he is so so tired now, emotionly and mentally and physically, I worry about my bestest friend in the whole world as she is going through hell and I cannot do anything to help her, I would love to make it better for her but I can't, anything else?  Son with OCD which may or maynot have autism, his constant tantrums (at least one an hour if not more) which I know arn't his fault but still v waring.  Money?  I should be worried about that as have none and am job hunting but the fact I am on prozac obviously protects me from worrying about that lol.  Well I have had my moan.  I have written another list of where bottles are:  1 by freezer 2 under gloves, 1 in mod box, 4 in big mod box, 4 from mrslg box, 8 in bag and 1 under hat.