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adelheid 
1:30am, November 17, 2009
It is now over 5 weeks since Richard died and I still can't take it in. Even though I am now dealing with the paperwork, sending the death certificate to all and sundry, he still seems so alive to me. Any dark blue Volvo estate that I pass on the road, I look expectantly to see if it is him. The phone rings or a car comes into the Close and I am surprised that it isn't him.
The morning anguish continues but by evening I am so tired that I cuddle up in bed with his picture and sleep deeply without dreaming.
Part of me is really afraid of this denial, though it is not a conscious decision. It's just like my brain can't make one and one equal two. People are very pleased that I am "coping", I suppose because it is less distressing for them. I haven't really cried too much since those early days, but it's because I still feel numb and incredulous.
My real worry is, that once the summer is over and the girls are back at university, it will hit me like a sunami and I will be unable to function.
Sometimes I know he is there and that makes me feel calm - perhaps it is because I am not paralysed with grief that I can feel him there. But everything is so tenuous and so colourless. I look at everything with a totally different perspective - that of a survivor and I'm not sure what I am surviving for.
I am coping with being alone but the loneliness, even when with others, is what is so hard to bear. The person I shared a lifetime with, who knew me better than anyone, isn't there physically and that absence is terrible.
I have started to write poetry again as a way of sorting out my feelings and, though they are no masterpieces, they serve a purpose.
How can it be?
How can it be that the instant of your death passed me by
And became reality
Only through the words of the ashen faced police woman:
“I am so terribly sorry”?
That quintessentially English phrase chilled my heart,
For I knew then that you were dead.
Knowledge is power
But it is also devastation and pain –
The pain of never seeing your face or hearing your voice again.
How can it be?
Comments
Five weeks is still very early and your feelings of numbness are normal. It must especially hard because of the sudden loss; I had some time to prepare, so the reality hit me right away, though that did not make the pain any easier. At 7 months down the road now, I can say it has gotten better - slowly - and I hope you will start to feel a little bit better each day. laurabp
laurabp
adel, it's been over 3 months for me and i have just gotten to the acceptance stage. believe it or not, you will get used to being alone in the house. hang in there - i know it is agonizing but in time, you will improve.
Bill
wildbill5717
Hi Margaret - it hit me very hard after the first 4 weeks. Until then there was a certain numbness that only allowed a little bit in at a time. It was a good thing at that point because it allowed me to take care of a lot of the paperwork. Once most of that was done, the harsh reality of it hit me like a rolling log. And you're right....the loneliness is the hardest to bear. Your poetry is very touching ... thank you for sharing it with us. Take care, my friend. Love & prayers, Judy
JudysWorld
Margret - It has been just over a year since I lost my wife of 40 years. There are times I can not believe it to this day. THe entire mourning process is certainly unique to each of us as we are all different personalities. Remember,only you two were in that relationship of husband and wife (not even your children as they are seperate relationships with you). And because of that uniquness, only you can deal with it in your own way. For now, take only one day at a time, or even one minute if you need to. Keep writing the poetry, for you it is an excellent way to express your deep sorrow. Having walked that same path a year ago, I deeply sorrow for and with you. Ernie
Earn
Hi Margaret, Very well put and a lovely poem. This is how I felt in the early days. I still have ups and downs and like Bill it has also been 3 months for me as well.You are so right the loneliness is super tough. I do not like to be alone as well.My prayers and thoughts are with you my friend. Christine
Christine26
Hi,
I found the first three months or so just very confused. So much to do and so many worries that my grieving almost took a back seat. Now, 5 months in, I am grieving more than ever and miss Rich more each day.
I still wish it were all a mistake and that he would walk through the door, but deep inside know that will not happen.
I can relate to the suddeness of Richard's passing because I was in the same place. Talk to Rich at 1:00, get a call from the hospital at 3:00 to tell me he was gone. No goodbyes and that is my one regret. That I wasn't there.
It makes everything so mysterious and yet so real. I know I will miss him for the rest of my life, but I am slowly accepting that fact and am okay with it.
They are around us, I believe that and it gives me comfort.
Keep up your poetry, it is beautiful! My love to you always...Mo
wizmo