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adelheid 
1:48am Yesterday
When at church on Wednesday I really felt Richard's presence. He was a great strong man and his hugs were the sort that left you breathless. I felt an enveloping embrace and the sense that it was him. I suppose that there are logical explanations by scientists for everything but I am sure that he was there comforting me. He is buried in the churchyard and I have been visiting him as often as I can to let him know how much I still love him.
Yet there are unbelievable times of desolation - I now truly understand the meaning of the word unique - there can never be anyone to replace him and his wonderful approach to life. Having been married for so long I know how he would react to any given circumstance and what he would think of how things are going.
So hard still having to tell people who weren't at the funeral or who didn't read the announcement in the paper. The look of shock gives me some idea of how I must have seemed to the policewoman who told me. I have managed to get her name and will be able to write to her to thank her. It must have been dreadful for her.
So many memories and, though they were of happy times, so bitter sweet and the finality of it all just crowds in.
Being a widow or widower puts you in another country - the country of 1 as opposed to 2 and there is no way of returning to the land you used to inhabit with your darling partner. Even if you find someone else there is no way of being where you were with the unique love you shared.
I am still so tired but slept well last night - didn't even hear the thunder nor see the lightning.
The girls are worrying me, especially Cara as she doesn't really know how to cope with the black grief that overwhelms her. We've just all got to hang on in there.
True love comes at a very high price.
Comments
Forget the science and go with your heart, it knows better! I feel Gene around me sometimes, but I so miss his big bear hugs the most. I feel tired most of the time myself and think it's just the process of grieving that takes so much out of us. Our bodies can only handle so much and then they need to rest, so get as much as you can. After Gene died my friend asked me the eternal question of whether it was better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all. My answer was better to have loved and lost and you are so right. It comes at a very high price. My love to you today, Carol
FallenAngel
Hi,
I couldn't agree with Carol more, if you felt it was Richard, it most likely was.
I can really relate to the depths of your marriage as Rich and I were married almost 37 years. We thought alike, and could finish each other's sentences. We made decisions together, ate together, slept together and went everywhere, together. This being all alone thing is horrid after all those years.
It's sad that we are not given a manual as to how to cope after we lose the only man we have ever loved. There would never be anyone fo rme but him and I wouldn't allow it anyway. I stayed faithful to Rich always, as did he to me and I will stay true to him forever. I don't believe in this, "till death do you part" business. It may work for some, but I know not me.
Wish I could tell you when or if the tiredness goes away. I still feel is so strongly every day and have no idea what a good night's sleep is any more.
As for your daughter, I have one, our youngest who has trouble expressing herself out loud to anyone, so she wrote all her feelings down. Maybe this could help your Cara.
Please take care of yourself and know that we all love and think of you often!
Hugs & Love, Mo
wizmo
You're so very right.....true love does come at a price, and it's pretty steep. I see and hear things every day that I want to run inside and tell Russ about, and then I stop and 'whoa....he's not there.' But what I miss most is just the big hugs and the comfort in knowing that he was there for me in all things. Now I feel kind of footloose, unanchored, and drifting. Like Mo, I wish I could tell you that the tiredness goes away. It eased somewhat for me, but it's still there. In the beginning, I couldn't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours at a time, but now, 3 months later, I can sleep 9 or 10 and still be a little tired. I think I'm making up for all the lost sleep.
Like your Cara, my youngest son is having a difficult time, because he and Russ were so close. He puts on a brave face for me, or did, until I told him it wasn't necessary. He writes a lot of the angst in journals, and that seems to help him.
Take good care of yourself.....sending prayers to you and your family...Love, Judy
JudysWorld
Hi Maragret, I know how you are feeling my dear..You are so right on in what you are saying and feeling.I was the same way as you described with the sleep. Now I go into a deep sleep and wake up 2-3 times a night but I am able to go back to sleep. My prayers are with you and I hope your daughter Cara gets some peace. It is hard on the children as well. Many hugs to you and your girls. I will be praying that you get through all of this. Remember, baby steps. With love.. Christine
Christine26