ChelseyAnn's Journal

Well, I wish I could say things are going better around here, but truth is, they aren't...nor or they worse.  I seem to have gotten trapped in a time warp or something where all the days are the same and even when I do something fun it's not really THAT fun.  Now the opera was a different story on Saturday night.  That was a great experience and for the first time in about a year I really really felt pretty again (even the cats said so....honest, they really did!!).  I wish I could say I am looking forward to going again next year but my husband will be deployed by then.   He offered to buy my ticket before he goes if I want to go alone and as sad as that makes me it also sort of makes me feel better that I could continue our tradition.....

I've heard nothing from the doctors lately so I'm still assuming all of my labs from my last visits are ok.  The only thing that gets me is that my specialist waits until he sees me then changes up my Lactulose dosage based on labs he did 3 months prior.  What the hell?  I mean, why wouldn't he look at the labs straight away and change the meds then and there instead of waiting that long when there may not be the need for change?  I swear the man is a sadist and out to get me.  I've tried time and time again to tell him that every time he changes up the dosages my tummy troubles start all over again and it's painful and uncomfortable not to mention I can't fit into normal clothes from all the bloating for the first few weeks.  He says this is normal....yeah....I'd like to have him take that crap for about a month and see how he feels. 

I swear if my husband tells me one more time that he'd be dealing with all of this better than I do I'll have the cat chew out his eyes in his sleep!  At least once a week I have to hear that I should be used to it and oh, by the way, incase I didn't know, life isn't fair.  No kidding....really??  I honestly thought all this was fair.  I thought that while all my friends are out having a great time and planning winter skiing vacations and the like I'm sitting around wondering how my bloodwork will affect me for the next 3 months or if the docs will cut something else out of my diet...and oh, let's not forget about that little transplant thing.  Yep...it's really fair.  I'm so glad hubby reminded me that I am lacking when it comes to tolerance.  It seems each day he grows more and more distant emotionally.  I never have to worry about being taken care of, but really, I'd rather have his emotional support.  He's working longer hours and I know alot of this is just what being married to a military guy means, but I also get the feeling that sometimes he just doesn't want to come home to me.  I am tired of smiling and telling him I've had a nice day and all is grand and fine in my world when usually it isn't.  Some days aren't that bad, but even so I think I deal with alot and he's taking the easy way out by avoiding it.  My parents say it's hard for him too and I realize that as I always have, but I really don't know how much I'm supposed to sit back and ignore about his emotional vacancy.  I told him when I became ill that I couldn't be strong enough for both of us but lately that's what I've been doing and I think I've finally had enough.  He's a big boy, he needs to face the facts and realize I'm not getting better (though for the time being I'm not getting any worse either) and that I have issues that he can't imagine.  He also has to realize that I'm allowed to complain....I'm allowed to have a bad day and darn it, I'm allowed to not feel good without him giving me a guilt trip about it.

So....on that note I'll say that I'm very happy to be seeing my in-laws next week (they are coming in from California and hubby hasn't seen them in nearly 3 years!!) and after that we still have the Navy Ball to look forward to and that means I get to wear my pretty pink dress again and feel beautiful....even if it is for only one more night.

God Bless and keep all of my wonderful friends safe....

CA