ChelseyAnn's Journal

Ok, so once again I find that it's Thursday at midnight (ok, 11:53 pm on Wednesday, but close enough) and I wonder where another week has gone.  I feel as if in the past week I have not spent any time with my husband and I fear he is getting tired of me going on and on about how I am dreading my appointment with my GI doc next week.  Not that I am worried, it's my usual check up and medication monitoring thing....but he has not done blood work in months due to the fact that I had so much done at Walter Reed for my transplant eval. so this visit he'll turn into a vampire.  My husband knows that I have this insane fear of needles, and giving blood (especially as much as this doctor requires) always leaves me feeling so tired and bruised.  I've also been on a tear lately because of my meds.  Just when I think I have a handle on them, I start getting tummy aches again, my skin is ruined and nothing I try works to clear it up which may mean a trip to a dermatologist (just what we all need...another doctor LOL), and the only bright spot is that I have a handle on my weight....except when the Lactulose makes me bloated then I get cranky and cry and cry (and there comes the decision whether or not to go back to therapy....).  My husband is always telling me I'm beautiful no matter what and for that I love him all the more, but I just wish for once he wouldn't say things like that and listen to me when I say that I look about as terrible as I feel sometimes.  Gee whiz....I'm only human and he acts as if I'm supposed to go thru all of these huge changes and just sit back and accept them.  He says if he were me he would be able to deal with it....I don't think he would.  He can't even handle a change in the kind of toothpaste I buy :)  I suppose all I'm asking for is a bit of patience.  I try to be cheery and wonderful when all I want to do is curl up with him and cry without being judged or told to calm down.  I've decided that for the past year I've done fairly well for myself....getting my health under control as much as I can, trying to complain very little about all of the things going on....I just think he needs to open his eyes and listen to me and accept that I'm very afraid and very uncomfortable with myself. 

All of that being said, there is something to be said for all of the constant reassurance he gives me....I suppose I really shouldn't complain.  But....there's this nagging voice in my head that tells me half of the time he says things just to get me to shut up.  So, I suppose this can go on forever and he can keep acting like after (God willing) I have my transplant that I'll be 100% brand new, less pills, a less restricted diet.  I hate when he acts like that and at the same time refuses to listen to me explain what I know about how these things work.  Denial can be a wonderful thing, but only for so long. 

So, to put an end to my endless rambling I will say that in a week and a half I leave to go visit my mother up north.....oh, I'm very excited!  We have all sorts of plans to go out shopping and I'll be helping her with her business a bit....doing the sort of things I usually would do with girlfriends, if I had any.....but my mama is my very best friend and you know....right now I really need that :)

Thanks for the listen and I can only hope I don't make anyone insane with my own insanity.

God bless...