Journal

Well, I guess no news is good news and for now I'm willing to believe that.  I have another doctor appointment, with my specialist, the first week of December but I'm fairly sure that nothing new will come of that.  The only thing of concern is that my doc mentioned possibly doing more banding next October.  Well.....that's all fine and dandy except that my husband won't be here as he'll already be deployed by then.  I realize the docs can't always predict when these things need to be done, but I am going to suggest that maybe they take a look before he goes out to sea because if he's not here, well, even if I could find someone to go with me I always feel better having my husband with me for these things. 

Speaking of being out to sea....my husband just got back from his first week out.  I know from now on there will be many more times when he goes and honestly, I thought I was going to lose it for the four days he was gone, but I managed.  I guess I just didn't realize that as little as I ask him to do around here, it's still enough that I noticed.  It wasn't really boredom that got me because I'm alone so much of the time anyway that it doesn't matter, but rather knowing there were certain things I couldn't do without him.  We are going to work on that issue for next year.  For now, with him being gone only a week (well, sometimes up to two) at a time, I think I'll be ok....but when the big deployment comes he's going to have to face facts and realize that he can't just leave me here.  He's still skirting around that issue and honestly, sometimes I'd like to punch him in the head and tell him to wake up!  Luckily, I don't have the capacity to actually hurt another human being so he's safe. 

Other than that, I think I'm very excited for the holidays to come.  Since the two of us have no family here we always make a very big deal of holidays....and let me tell you, the cats are not exactly complaining that we're getting a Thanksgiving turkey big enough for 5 people....it just means more for them to gobble down LOL

I've also learned lately that I'm not going to apologize to ANYONE anymore for being tired all the time.  Recently, that's sort of gotten worse and there are days when I feel like I never get off the couch and honestly, as long as I'm still exercising a fair amount and not sleeping through my meds, and watching my diet, I'm going to do what my doctors told me to do a long time ago....rest when I need to even if that's most of the day.  On that note, I'm looking forward to having my husband home and not working for the first weekend in a while.

Take care and God bless,

CA (and of course, the kitty cats)

Well, that time has come again where I must get used to being alone alot.  After the past 8 days (and more on the way) of hardly seeing my husband because his hours at work are really long these days, I am starting to wonder sometimes if he even exists.  I knew earlier in the year that his ship would be coming out of the yards this month, and this means very long hours, and starting sea trials.  Well....since last year when I was diagnosed he hasn't had to work such long hours.  I can handle being alone during the day, for the most part...but when he gets home at night he doesn't even say two words to me, he showers, and goes right to bed and doesn't even bother to say goodnight....like, he doesn't even realize I'm here.  I know he's so tired he could cry, but honestly, I'm tired too of getting up at 4:30 am to take him to work (and it takes me about 45 minutes each way since I don't use the highway) and then sitting here all day waiting for him to call to tell me to pick him up, then going all the way back to get him around 7 pm.  The apartment is always clean (though truth be told there are days lately when I just don't feel good and don't want to do anything but sleep) and he doesn't have to do a thing when he gets home so I don't think a simple hello and how was your day is asking for too much.  Last night he called from work to let me know when to come get him and he actually yelled at me over the phone, saying he was stressed out enough and he didn't need me adding to it like I always do.  When I told him to stop yelling at me I got the typical response of "you make me do it all the time, you always make me yell".  I didn't realize I lived in his brain and told him how to act but if I actually did I'd tell him to have a little more respect. 

In any event, this week he is off tomorrow for Veteran's Day and then on duty Thursday to Friday.  Then he is home Saturday but then going underway from Sunday night until Wednesday at God only knows what time.  He told me I can catch up on my rest and this is true, but what he doesn't realize is that I get lonely.  I miss conversation and affection.  I miss HIM and he seems to think I'm being selfish by wanting him around.  He said I have no stress in my life.....EXCUSE ME???  Nope, no stress here.  Just a constant barrage of medication and fatigue and aches and pains now (don't know where those are coming from) and tummy aches from the medication, fighting with the people at Social Security, trying to be his emotional pit stop....I think he didn't listen to my social worker at Walter Reed when he was told that this is a very stressful time in my life.  I don't mean to take it out on my husband...on the contrary, I try to make things as easy as possible for him when he's here.  But all I want is for him to understand that I have things going on too and give me some credit.  He says I must feel fine because I never say I don't.  I don't say anything because Heaven forbid I push a problem on him.  I respect his career and he knows that but when he says things like "I'm Navy 24/7 and you just have to deal with that", it makes me wonder why he got married in the first place???? 

I guess I'm not being a very good military wife lately because I'm not supposed to be selfish and I'm not supposed to have problems and I'm just supposed to always accept what goes on in his life that causes him troubles but disregard the fact that I have problems too...so for the time being I'm going to tell this pesky little thing called liver disease that it needs to leave me alone so I can focus on taking care of my husband and letting him know that he's the best human being alive and he can do no wrong and that I'm eternally greatful and will forever kiss his arse for gracing me with his presence.  I think all that sounds just about as stupid as my husband is acting and gee, maybe I'll write him a copy of this just so he knows.

Take care and God bless :)

Well, it seems to me that October is going by way too quickly!  It certainly has been a busy month and one that was especially memorable to me.  Another opening night at the opera, another Navy Ball (which was so much fun this year!)....Now Halloween is a few short days away.  Next year I'll be going to the opera alone and not to the Navy Ball at all as my husband will be deployed by that time.  I don't want to think about the holidays next year without him, I just want to make this year very special. 

After the first of the year we have so much to do...another trip to Walter Reed for my MRI (# 3 by that time in less than a year).  I also have to try to convince my specialist that if he wants to to another endoscopy with the possibility of banding that he needs to schedule it prior to September when my husband gets deployed.  He had said he'd like to do another one next October, but I will have no one to go with me and I need someone as they give you local anesthesia, but even if I did I just think I'd rather have my husband go with me.  My contact at Walter Reed said they will do thier best to schedule any tests that need to be done prior to deployment so that short of my MELD actually going up enough to justify my going back to D.C. again, I won't have a need to leave Virginia. 

I also heard from Social Security yesterday....denied.  My parents say to appeal the decision.  My husband says the same and I figure what can it hurt.  The whole system bugs me.  They look at a pile of paperwork sent to them by doctors and decide what you are and are not capable of.  They don't spend all day with me, they don't see how I function (or on some days, how I DON'T function).  They simply decide what they want based on thier rules and that's that.  Too bad for them that I don't give up that easily.  I also read on a disability lawyers website something interesting about disabilities due to alcohol or illegal drugs:  fact is that if your disability was caused by either of these factors then you most likely are not eligible for benefits.  The only good thing is that if you read further into the answer it says this may not be true if drugs/alcohol are no longer a material element in your disability.  I'll be damned if I'm going to be denied because I made a mistake and ended up with this awful disease.  For that matter, I'd like to see which of them that decide these rules are perfect.  Truth is, you can still develop cirhossis due to alcohol even if you are not a full blown alcoholic.  (this subject has been beaten to death and I won't dwell on it, but suffice it to say that like anything else it's been proven that certain things whether they be alcohol, food, environmental elements...well everyone is affected differently.).  In any event, that's my though on thier crappy process :) 

So...all in all my point is that this month hasn't been all that great what with my husband working so many long hours that at times I wonder if I'm married at all...talk about lonliness and climbing the walls when he gets home and is too tired to even to say 5 words to me and thinks that my days are too insignificant to hear about).  But, it hasn't been a completely bad month either.  It's been one of those months that has given me memories that will keep me warm next year when my husband is far away from me and I really can't ask for more than that right now (except to maybe get over this rotten chest cold that just won't go away!!!).

Happy Halloween, hugs and prayers,

CA