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Katt1970 
9:26pm
Okay, so maybe in a odd not straight forward kind of way I am healing. For some reason in my mind I thought the road to healing...once he was out of my life...would be a straight and narrow path. Boy, was I wrong!!!
This roller coaster that I am on has slung me all over God's creation, up and down hill, side to side, round and round, over and under. I feel like I've been to the top and well on my way to feeling completely free of pain and sorrow, only to be slammed down to the bottom of a dark bottomless pit for long periods of time.
I'm beginning to see how screwed up I am. I'm beginning to see how screwed up my life is. It takes my breath away to see how much work and restoration I have ahead of me. I am a mental, physical, and emotional wreck. My life is a social and financial disaster. I know all of this can be fixed. I just don't know where to start. I think I've been trying to fix ALL of it at once and that is why I feel like I'm NOT getting anywhere.
Maybe I should focus on one thing make it THE thing to work on all the time and do the best I can with the rest of it. That is what I've been doing with all of it anyway, except the finding a main focus.
I just don't know where to start. Probably with ME....the mental issues have to be resolved first, in order to deal with the physical and emotional aspects. I need to make ME my number one priority. I need to NOT wear my heart on my sleeve and let these roll of my back.
I want to be the ME I was 3 years ago today (tomorrow is the third anniversary of our first date). I was happier than I had ever been in my life, I was financially stable, I was fit, and my brain was not scramble with all his garbage.
I want all of that back...but I don't know how to start.
Comments
Boy can I relate to this journal. I can so relate to the roller coaster, 1 step back-2steps forward feeling. All I can say is even if it feels like you are not getting far in your journey to healing, you ARE healing. Everyone moves on at a different pace so do not compare yourself or measure yourself against how long you had been apart. But you are right. Reserve your focus and energy on YOU. That is where to start. (((HUG)))
ginebra
Absolutely agree with you and ginebra - trying to fix it all at once and not seeing progress is disheartening, and you do feel like you arent healing or making progress - BUT YOU ARE - just by reading what you have written - you know where you have to go and what you have to do - that you need to focus on one thing at a time, make yourself top priority - revel in the little steps, makes lists, even daily lists of things that you can cross off so you CAN see progress - even things like Monday: exercise (tick), walk the dog (tick), sit down and write some longer term goals (tick).
You really are on the right track. You are healing. BIG HUGS : )
NSrunner
Sorry Katt. I like the analogy, that the road to healing isn't s straight path but a roller coaster of emotions. So true. I think you have a great idea, starting with yourself and take one step at a time. A good friend of mine, who is also very sensitive and empathic, says he wears his "lizard skin suit" so that bad things will roll off and not stick. Maybe this is how we need to start thinking. He also told me I had homework all this week. I am supposed to look in the mirror and see what a beautiful, caring, loving person I am and reaffirm this daily. I have friends that care about me and actually like spending time with me. You need to do the same. You are a beautiful wonderful woman and there are lots of people who like and care about you.
hugs
LavenderMoon