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Katt1970 
7:30pm
Thank God I have internet again...I know that sounds odd, but I'm feeling much better now that I'm on-line again. I can connect with others who understand, are in the same situation, etc..
I had a lot of time to think today, as I was at work alone. I shut everyone out in order to get my work done. I can work and think at the same time...apparently.
I'm wondering if the gloom and despair I have been feeling lately (after his phone calls) is about him or if it's about me. I still think about him, I still love him, I wish he could be the man I thought he was, but I KNOW that will never be. So, that leaves ME.
Did his phone calls force me to start dealing with what he done to me? Am I now dealing with the pain of what is shattered and broken inside of me, because of his abuse?
All the time he was in jail, I fretted about him getting out and dealing with the drama his family kept stirred up. I didn't have to deal with WHY he was in jail and not home with me. I avoided the pain and trauma of the abuse. I learned to plaster a smile on my face and got thru each day. Now that I know he's out, each day has become harder. I now have to face the cold hard facts of why we aren't together. I have to remind myself every day that if I see him, hear his voice, or have any sort of contact with him that he is NOT the person I thought he was. We cannot be together ever again.
Hearing his voice for the first time in 4 months was a like a knife in my heart. Did that conversation force the two issues together to be dealt with? What he really is and the massive effect it's had on me emotionally? Am I so depressed because now I am dealing with the reality of the abuse?
Maybe I am healing. Maybe I am past the heartache of a lost and broken relationship and now I'm working on the devastation in my head, heart, and soul. Does any of this make sense? I don't think the depression is about the loss of my marriage anymore. I think it's about the loss of ME.
Comments
hug.....You know, that is a very interesting way of looking at it. Maybe you are right. for the 4 months you were in survival mode and had pushed the real issues down just to take care of yourself. When he got out not only the fear of his physical presence was there but not you were being forced to deal with the raw emotion of what HE HAD DONE. I know you still love him, or the man you thought he was and never will be. You can mourn that loss.
I am so proud of you and how far you have come so far. You are an amazing awesome woman. I have faith in you and your ability to not only survive, but grow and thrive.
Everything you said makes perfect sense. I only wish I was as far as you are now. Maybe I am mistaken but I think that this realization just moved you forward in your recovery.
big hugs
Dee
LavenderMoon
Katt, you know that seperation/divorce is like losing part of yourself. It's as bad or worse than a death. Grieving takes a long time and you go through the cycle over and over. Hopefully getting better, and shorter grief periods. Keep the rudder straight, the wind is in your sails and your heading in the right direction. Stay true to yourself, take care of yourself, and remember that you will never get in over your head because all of us are here and you can perch on our shoulders!
goodfight
Katt u r a very strong woman & i really like th way u handle ur situation, & think, Take so much care of urself !!! ur strength really inspires me a lot....xxx
Ghabbir