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Katt1970 
7:30pm Tuesday
I'm so glad to be back online. DS has been my saving grace and without it the last week has been really tough.
I've not heard or seen any sign of my ex since his phone calls a few weeks ago. Just hearing his voice and him crying sent me into a tail spin that I'm slowing coming out of. I've been so depressed and had so many dark thoughts...thoughts that I'm afraid to say out loud. It makes me worry about my mental stability.
He has no clue how much he hurt me, not like he cares. I'm not even sure I realize how much he has hurt me and how much destruction he caused. I'm trying so hard. I get up every morning and do what I have to do, work two jobs to pay the bills, even though I would rather lay down and die, because it seems so much easier than to keep going.
It hasn't helped that I've had internet problems, my dog keeps chewing up the deliveries I get from Fed-Ex and UPS...which is costing me MORE money that I don't have. My dad telling me what I SHOULD be doing. Having to pretend that I'm okay on the surface and deep down I am so NOT okay.
I miss him. I don't know why. As I've said...I was miserable with him and I am just as miserable without him. All these feelings he left me with are eating me alive. I feel like I don't know who I am, that I'm worthless, and not worthy of or capable of having a normal healthy relationship.
My whole persona seems to have changed. I'm so angry...at him, but I can't take it out on him, so it comes out in my daily interactions. I've become so bitchy, sarcastic, and rude...more so than I ever was. It's a big joke at work about how "crazy" I am and I know they don't mean it in a hurtful way, as I've always been outspoken, but they don't know what kind of chaos is going on inside me and it does hurt.
I've tried to talk to a couple of close friends how I'm feeling, but it makes them uncomfortable, so I keep it to myself. I don't want to freak them out, so I keep it in. Coming to DS is the only way I can release all the pent up pain and sorrow.
I'm feeling better than I was a few days ago, but I still feel very down. I wish my mom was still here to tell me that "it's a long road that don't turn, but eventually it does". I miss her so much. I think I would be doing better if she was still here with me. She was always able to make me feel better and helped me through the hard times.
Comments
Hey there - it is a rough road, there is no question. You are doing great -- and know that it is completely normal to have a bunch of seemingly competing emotions. I firmly believe that the most empathetic listener has experienced some of what you have -- so many people just dont "get it", what it means to be involved and indeed in love with an abusive partner. Keep coming to DS. We get it. I get it. And I am rooting for you!
ExMrsK
Mom's are good for times like these. I miss my mom too. Maybe try talking to a Pastor they often have lots of training to help folks like us. Hang tough lady and remember that your happiness does not depend on someone else. Yes it's wonderfull to be in a relationship but in the long run that's not what makes you happy with yourself. Inside of all of us is a core of goodness that some folks just shy away from or even deny that it's there. You have better things coming, just keep working at what's truly important concentrate on those things and better things will come. Here for you always.
goodfight
Wow Katt!! I am sooooooo praying for you here in OKC!! I know that you miss your Mom terribly.....I miss mine too....in a different way...whe will no longer speak with me....not the 1st time.....prob won't be the last time either...but I digress. Is there any way that you can convince your Dad to just listen instead of offerring advice? Tell him it would really help you to identify your own alternatives and choices...but that it would be helpful just to have a shoulder of support to lean on? Also, great girlfriends can listen and offer support to.....IMHO!! I am sooooo happy 2 see you back online!! Hugs from OKC!! Cindi
EagleMom