Katt1970's Journal

This holiday weekend has been our first holiday part since we first started dating. I spent this holiday with my dad, which was nice. He's 70 years old and can't get around to well anymore, so it was a nice little outing for him. We talked about my current situation. He has nothing nice to say about my STBX. I understand that, but it makes me anxious.

Anxiety has been my companion all weekend...after the events of the Girls Night Out that was a bust for the most part...at least for me. I've been all out of sorts with anxiety all weekend. I hate the panic I can feel rising in my chest.

My sister-in-law/friend of 13 years tried to test the waters with me yesterday. She knew she had crossed the line with me on Friday night and I guess when she sobered up she felt guilty. I'm not mad at her, but I'm disgusted. Her life is just as messed up as mine has been...if not more, so I don't need her advice or her two cents at the moment.

My other sister-in-law told me she went to see HIM at  the jail yesterday and his getting along good. That gave me a small sense of relief. I still worry about him.

She told me that he hinted around that maybe later on down the line we might be able to work things out. That makes me feel panicky. I wish that were a possiblilty, but I don't think it will happen.

The only way I could ever be with him again is IF I knew for a fact and he could prove to me that he had gotten professional help and was making a life on his own, independent of others.  I'm not going to hold my breath, but in my heart of hearts...I want that so much. I want him to want to change, to want to NOT be an alcoholic, to want a healthy functional relationship with me, but I know I'm dreaming. He's not that strong. I wish so much he would prove me wrong.